Can We Talk?

"I don't know what I'd ever do without you
From the beginning to the end
You've always been here right beside me
So I'll call you my best friend"  

At one point in my life it seemed like everybody and I mean eveeeerybody and their mama (in my case father) were getting married. Now, at those times I wasn’t ready nor interested.  But it seemed as if I was going to 3 to 4 weddings a year.  I call those the wedding years.  Then soon after came the baby years.  3 to 4 baby showers a year, it was like nonstop torture (yall know I hate baby showers…and bridal showers for that matter too!)  I mean when I get married and/or have a kid, please miss me with that hat made of wrapping material.  And those games?! *vomits in mouth* Who came up with that!?!?!?! Seriously, a coed bbq with drinks and music, and on the side we’ll open gifts SANS oohs and aaahs.

 Sorry…I had a moment.

So after the baby years, came the second wave of weddings.  Yup…I missed that one too. That one I actually wanted…siiiiggghhhh it was a very very very delicate time in my life.  Anywho, sooo after the second wave of the weddings came….wait for it…. It should be the second wave of babies yeah? No.  The FIRST wave of divorces. Whaaaaa? Like whoa…there is a kink in the matrix…a snag in the pattern.  Divorces?

So naturally I’m like wait one minute.  People are divorcing and I haven’t even gotten married?! Like what part of the game is that? How did yall rob me of the 3^rd wave of weddings…I was a waiting, ready, and willing participant! No really. I was! All I was missing was the groom, but that’s a minor detail.  Alas however, since this post isn’t really about me (aren’t’ they AAAALL about me? Such the Leo) we won’t go there and will save that for another day.

What this post IS about is relationships.  What your partnership really means? What should it look like? What makes it last? Why aren’t they lasting? What went wrong in these relationships? Now I don’t have the answers to all of those questions, not even half…actually I should prob delete some, because I don’t really know the answers lol. 

But in the last month, I’ve had 2/3 people announce a separation or thoughts of separating to me.  And I wondered how did we get here?  Now I’ll admit.  I saw 2 of the 3 coming. I just did.  I sadly knew they were doomed from the beginning but prayed they would be able to work through it.  Isn’t that awful?  So, you wonder how did I know that it wouldn’t work?  They weren’t friends.  Oh, they were a lot of things.  Lovers, partners, husband and wife, parents, co-planners, etc.  And all of that sounds fine and dandy, but the bare bones of the situation was that they didn’t like each other….as friends.  And at the end of the day, that’s the part that counts, No?

Now, I know you’re asking yourself what do I know about that. I’ve been single since the beginning of time (hehe not really but sadly really) Here’s what I know about that.  I don’t want to vacation with someone I don’t like.  I don’t want to go to dinner with someone I don’t like. I don’t want to sit on the phone with someone I don’t like. Road trip. Ride the subway. Sit on the couch. You see where I’m going with this?  Now yes, "don’t like" doesn’t mean "hate".  But if you have committed…COMMITTED to a lifetime with a person…til death do you part…and you don’t like them…..I don’t need to finish the sentence for you to know that just sounds ridiculous.   

I mentioned earlier in the week on twitter, that a married friend of mine once told me “A lifetime is a long time to be with someone you don’t like” Truest words.  When I look at the relationships that I think are great benchmarks.  My sister’s marriage…the Jersey besties, they would all say their relationships aren’t perfect, they’ll admit that off the rip.  But what they WILL say is that they are friends. BEST FRIENDS. 

SO what does that mean? Besties?  I use my sister as an example. The woman drives me mad. We fight like cats and dogs.  Once we were playing taboo and the word was “Fight”.  And my brother-in-law gave the clue as “Something Maia and Nika do aaaalll the time” the whole room yelled: FIGHT! Ahahahahaha! But hands down my sister is my all time original best friend. Now how can we fight all the time and be best friends?  Well, I like her.  She’s funny. She gets me.  We have been in a knock out-drag out fight…and in the middle of it stopped so we can comment on something funny or afterwards pour a glass of wine and crack jokes.  When you’re friends like that, no matter how ugly it gets, your friendship will get you through it. Yes, she’s my blood and I have no choice but to have her in my life.  BUT if you’re committed in your marriage the same thing holds true, no?

So where am I going with this?  I’ve been very particular with the people I choose to deal with and no matter how bad I think I want a relationship, or be married or whatever, I will not sacrifice the friendship.  Some people delude themselves into thinking they can marry for convenience, for money, for resume, or for whatever reason they tell themselves and trust me there are some creative ones out there.  But simply put, if at the core of the relationship the friendship isn’t there. It won’t last.  That seemingly is proven. It’s unfortunately some of my girlfriends and guy friends are just finding that out now.

And the friendship is defined however you choose. For me since I’m a social person, we have to be able to go out and have fun.  Like if I’m with you and I don’t laugh until I cry.  Or we don’t go for drinks.  Or hang with our friends. Or go to concerts. We’re not friends. And I don’t mean boo’d up. (yall know that grosses me out sometimes) Like it’s established I’m your boo…we don’t need to be at the bar boo’d up. SPARE ME! Lolol The same thing I do with my girlfriends, I want to do with my man.  And if you don’t get smashed with your girlfriends you don’t have to get smashed with your man.  I, on the other hand….well, we won’t air out my vices. You get the point.

And hey listen, if you can’t do these things with him…then maybe…juuust maybe…quite possibly…he or she IS.NOT.THE.ONE.

The end.