“No matter where you go, you are what you are
player
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here
Only God can judge me, so I'm gone
Either love me, or leave me alone” Jay-Z
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here
Only God can judge me, so I'm gone
Either love me, or leave me alone” Jay-Z
When I first started this blog, my goal was to
simply have an avenue outside of my job to continue to explore my creativity
and build my writing skills sans script writing. I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep up with
it, nor was I sure if I was going to even enjoy it. And quite frankly, I
struggled with telling my stories in my voice with my own personal writing
style yet not divulging too much of myself to strangers. But who would I be if I didn’t share….a
little too much, certainly not Nika! I am
grateful for the fact that I have an avenue to be me, an unadulterated, raw me and
that you all still click and read each time. So dope! Maybe one day I’ll stop, maybe one
day this will turn into a book, maybe one day my readership will grow, maybe
one day more people will subscribe, but until then it’s you and I…and our
quaint little conversations. Thanks for
encouraging me to continue down this road.
In the course of writing, I’ve shared many stories, but mostly I’ve
been detailing my life through my eyes, as only I can see it. And in the end, this has become a “single
black woman, living in New York City, working as a freelancer, looking for
love, finding heartbreak, dodging the crazies, reflecting on life, sorting the
bullshit” kind of survival guide. In a
nutshell, it’s been a cluster fuck. And
I love it.
The reason I can’t classify this as a certain type of blog, is
because I’m not one certain type of girl, let’s face it, I’m all over the place. I like to believe it makes me less unstable
and more endearing ;-) Let me explain, I can be a complex
being. But better yet, the best way I
can describe me, my thoughts, and my blog is this childhood story:
**Blogger note: This may be the point where you want to ask yourself
if you want to go any further, it’s okay...if you don’t….I understand (sort
of..Okay who am I kidding the Leo in me says “Trick you betta keep reading!”)**
·
When I was a little girl, I once got a
spanking every day for a week for doing the same thing. Yes. EVERY DAY.
What was I doing, you ask? I went swimming in my best friend’s
pool. Now this doesn’t seem like a major
offense right? But if you have hair as thick as mine, whose mother despised
even as so much running a brush through it, and add washing it?! Ha! No offense
could have been worse. Trust me! I may
as well have sat on the good couch eating ribs whilst drinking red pop. (Yes,
pop and yes, you all know what a major crime that was!)
So, I was
not allowed to swim at my friend’s house because my mother did not want to do
my hair. But, I didn’t care. Personally, between you and I, I thought my
mother was being *whispers* lazy. And
I wanted to swim. I mean, shit can I
live??? Yeah, the answer was clearly no. So this is how that week went and how I got
caught:
Day
1: I swam and came home…wet clothes … wet hair like YOLO!
<<spanking.
Day 2: I swam, I dried the clothes in the drier, but my hair had
only dried on the outside<<spanking.
Day 3: I swam, I dried the
hair, dried the clothes, forgot to put on lotion…I’m black and ain’t nothin’
like that pool ash to highlight chocolate skin <<spanking.
Day 4: I swam, I dried the hair, dried the clothes, put on lotion, but did not
shower and smelled like chlorine (hey I was like in the 3 grade, those type of
faux pas were fine back then) << spanking
Day 5: I swam, I dried the hair,
dried the clothes, showered, put on lotion, BUT my friend’s mom called and said
I left my swimsuit over there, when I what? WENT SWIMMING! <<spanking.
Sigggh, you get the point….
Now what does this tell you about me? (not everybody answer at
once) Mischievous? Naaaah. Hardheaded? Perhaps.
Rebellious? Eh. Determined and resilient?
Fuck yeah!
Now there are several ways to look at this story. One could look at this and say, doing the same
thing over and over again gets you nowhere, learn the first time and move on
and avoid the pain. On the flipside, you can look at this and say, although I did
the same thing over and over again and the results were painful, I never made
the same mistake twice. Progress!
I believe in progress you all. I can’t guarantee I’ll make the right
choices. Hell right now, If I’m honest, I’m currently making some pretty bad choices in
who I allow into my heart, into my life, and my spirit. It happens.
I am not perfect. You are not
perfect. We are not perfect. But what I do know is, I learn, I progress,
and I move forward. Not every result in
life is going to be favorable, but we have to be determined to push forward
anyway. Sometimes we repeat our mistakes, sometimes we stop the first time, and
sometimes it makes a too sore tush to teach us that hard lesson. But the point is you do, and do, and do, and
do until you get enough, get it right, or simply stop.
And this blog is exactly that, a running guide of my lessons some
that I’ve learned, some that I’m learning, and/or some that I hope to
learn. But one thing for sure is I’m
sharing them with you. And in the
process perhaps as I’m discovering my “me”, you can discover your “you”?
So here we are, 30 posts and one year later, my stories
are all true, all life, all revealing, perhaps all contradicting, all funny,
all painful, but all me…My life, in a shady haze of grey. Thanks for reading! I’m looking forward to
another year of sharing, laughing, and crying (maybe I’m the only one crying)
with you! ;-)
“On the way we shed some tears
Every day we sacrifice
So we can be standing here
Oh what a hell of a life” Johnny Boy Legend “Rich Forever”
Every day we sacrifice
So we can be standing here
Oh what a hell of a life” Johnny Boy Legend “Rich Forever”
