WHEN CRAZY COMES UNTUCKED PART II

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" Albert Einstein

Have your emotions ever gotten out of control? Have they run straight amok? Gotten completely out of hand? Taken control of you, instead of you in control of them? Have you ever gone from 0-100 in .5 seconds? If you can’t answer yes to any of these, then this is not the blog post for you.  Please gather your things and come back another day.  BUT, if you so much as paused, my friend…this is YOUR post, hand delivered by moi.  Yes, I had YOU in mind when I wrote this…see how selfless I am? I'll take my gifts in the form of the Cosby Show box set (Yes, I’m still waiting. Yes, I still want it.  No, we won’t address whether I’m loved or not.)

Okay just a little housekeeping, let me be clear, just because you’re emotional does not make you…how can I say this delicately… *ahem* crazy.  I don’t want the title to give the wrong impression.  Yes, I may refer to it as “crazy” but you know I use that word like of a term of endearment almost.  It’s truly an endearing quality. You know a little bit of love…a little bit of crazy? No?  Hahaha.  Yo, emotions crazy does not make.   HOWEVER, what you DO with those emotions, well now THAT my friends can be the makings of some classic crazy situations. 

Listen, I’ve done some serious um…research…yeah, that’s it….RESEARCH on this topic! And as an expert (from research) I know crazy first hand and crazy lives in everything.  Crazy lives at home, at work, in friendships, and in relationships, ESPECIALLY relationships.  And from the perspective of a woman, emotions quite frankly are involved in everything as well.  Those that say they aren't…..LIE. (Yeah I said it, now what are you going to do about it?)

No matter whether it's Platonic or if it's romantic, relationships, emotions and crazy all go hand and hand.  And this isn't just for the ladies, the fellas, yeah they’re just as equally emotional.  Trust me on this, my research shan’t lie.  You know, I KNOW, no one wants to be the crazy one but sometimes you can’t help it. When that crazy comes down on you, it’s like a force uncontrollable with even the strongest power, you can feel it  snowball from the top down until….POW…blackout! (From what I hear lol)

I have seen a grown woman ram a perfectly good car into her man’s car because her emotions got the best of her!  Hell, I’ve seen an equally grown man lay wait in a bush for hours waiting for his suspected cheating girl to come home to “surprise” her because of his emotions.   Relationships are the cesspools for crazy! If you don’t remember anything else, remember that!!!!

Listen, people, if you think you’re not the crazy one in your relationship. YOU. ARE. IN. FACT. THE. CRAZY. ONE! LOL What I’m trying to tell you is we’re all crazy in relationships.  The question is who’s the craziest? And can you live with that crazy?  But trust and believe crazy is there.  Now when you’re in the bed tonight, look at your partner and if he/she's not the crazy one…then homie it’s you. (Thank me later) I mean, it’s not your fault. You’re a victim… LOLOL.

But I digress.  So the point is your emotions can pull something out of you that even YOU won’t recognize when the dust settles.  Recently, I (surprise, surprise) had an emo moment and the next day I looked in the mirror and said “Nika? Is that you?” Luckily, for me, as emotional as I can be I very rarely stay in the moment.  I say what I mean, I mean what I say, and then I may ask if you want to go to brunch the next day (See that rhyme there??? Skills I tell you!)  Yet, unfortunately for me, that tactic makes me look a tad bit ….um…well...crazy.  People don’t know when you’re going to be sensitive or fun, up or down, perky or sad, emotional or joking. It’s a gamble.  And to be quite honest, there’s nothing you can do about it but hope people see the goodness in you, your sincerity, and your genuineness annnnd basically learn how to massage your crazy hahaha!

So, this one particular day my crazy came “untucked”.  Given it was not unprovoked because trust and believe there was a cause and a reason and you know your girl so happily provided the action but nonetheless I needed to proceed to tuck that baby back in.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…”Crazy lies within”.  LOL.  Everyone has a little bit of crazy in them; it’s all about how you handle it.  Crazy MUST BE maintained always.  No excuses.  But every now and then the slip will show, and that’s okay, but you MUST…MUST-MUST-MUST…tuck it back in. Understand? 

Now, there are several methods to the tuck back.  Oh what’s the tuck back? It’s the explanation or the practice of which you pick your face and your emotions off the floor, regain your sanity and composure, and keep it moving. And yes, please believe it’s a skill:

1)      There is the “Dissertation” tuck back.  This is when one will provide a blow by blow exposition, if you will, on why and how crazy unraveled. This method comes with a thesis, methodology, analysis AND a conclusion.  They feel the need to offer an explanation of said breakdown and will be offended if you don’t listen.  Be prepared, they will need something from YOU in order to regain composure, either an apology, some compassion, some love, or some attention. There’s a lot of work for this method on both ends.  It usually ends unfavorably.

2)      You have the “Flat Out Denial” tuck back.  There’s no explanation needed here.  It wasn’t me. I didn’t do it. You are mistaken. Carry on.

3)      The “Transitive” tuck back.  This is explained by the equation. If A=B, B=C, THEN A=C.

In other words, He/She=Emotions, Emotions=Crazy therefore He/She =Crazy<<not you.  Hahaha! Of course your crazy came "untucked". THEY are the crazy ones, not you…you’re just a victim. We are done here.<<Hey man, don't think about this one to hard...it works if you work it ;-)

4)      There’s the “*Poof Abracadabra*” tuck back also affectionately called the “What Happened” tuck back.  This is when crazy goes awry and after the dust is settled, you carry on as if nothing ever happened.  It’s not that you’re denying it; you just don’t want to discuss it.  If executed properly, those involved will wonder if they imagined that it ever happened.  This one takes expert “tuckage” don’t try this if you’re an amateur; you will only succeed in looking crazier. Trust me on this. (proof in research)

5)      Then you have the “Self-Reflection” tuck back.  This is when you step back and have a bit of introspection to figure out what about you triggered your specific reaction and how you can avoided reacting the same way again.  This is the healthiest method and the one I use the most because you can’t change others, because in the end you can only change yourself and how you react to others.   Riiggggght?

      **Ha! Who am I kidding…I’ve been known to poof abracadabra on that ass too! Hahahahaha...***

You know sometimes it’s not what you do; it’s how you do it. Oh that’s not how the saying goes?  Well, my research *wink wink* shows that anything done in flare and style is forgivable within reason.  Now, if you’re keying cars, spray painting hoe on doors (not that I've EVER done such a thing), and throwing bricks in windows, the tuck back goes out the window. ….

Trick, run!!!!!

36 IS THE NEW...36: CELEBRATING ME

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate” Oprah

I used to take it personal when people would reference my personality as a “typical Leo”.  I think I took it to heart because I knew that they meant it for harm as opposed to the marvelous good that it truly is.  Yes, being a Leo is the most amazing thing in the world! And let me just say now, being jealous about it will get you no where.  We shine the most, we are super outgoing, we will friend the world, and we’re easy going yet have just enough fire in us to make things go our way.  How can you NOT love that!!! (Yes, that was a Leo statement at its finest and I fully approve this message)

So with that said, it’s that time again. Uh huh, my birthday post! As we all know, or are just now learning. I loooooooooooove my birthday.   It is a celebration of life, so how could you not love that! And in all honesty, if I can just be a little...umm...open (as if being closed is an option lol), I think I love to celebrate my birthday even more so because …well, because I can.  HAHAHA

No really, I think I’ve shared that when I was a kid, I spent every birthday down south with my grandmother and although she always had a party for me, it was always with people I didn’t know or old students of hers (she was a 1^st grade teacher).  So spending my birthday at home  or with my own friends wasn’t even considered an option.  So needless to say, now that I can celebrate how I want and where I want, I take full advantage and go all the way in, like dive head first in.

So this year was no different,  my celebration was big, much like my personality (and that's in a good way! Hi Haters! lol)  I had a surprise party, I mean come ooooon, it doesn’t get any bigger than that!!!! So when I was thinking of what kind of post I would write in honor of this "National Holiday de Nika", I thought well of course I should dedicate one to the events of the weekend.  Then I said naaaaaah, what goes on, on during "The Holiday" stays in the Holiday lol. Hahahaha! But seriously, The weekend wasn’t about how many drinks I could have, or how many shots I could take and still come out unscathed<<<Oh yes, because your girl handled the weekend like a BOSS!!!!! Cheeeaa! But really the weekend was about the celebration of this wonderful life I have with the most awesome people in it.  So I decided to do a post ala last year to acknowledge and rejoice life, my growth, and my movement into another great year!  Because to be quite frank, I wasn't guaranteed another and am truly blessed to be another year older!

The 35 gems I learned about me last year that I will carry over to my 36th year (long ass title lol):

1)      I learned that no one can be perfect. I’m not even perfect so to place that expectation on others is a sure fire way to be disappointed.

2)      I need more attention from a loved one than I thought I needed.  Which taught me that I AM actually an affectionate person (who knew).
3)      I actually DO love to cuddle, and want to cuddle ALL of the time. (another point for affection! POW!)

4)      I can be vulnerable and although it hurts, it really is a good thing if I want to grow.

5)      I love deeper than I thought I could, or even imagined I could.

6)      I perhaps share way more than I should, and although I should certainly reel in some of it , sharing is what makes me who I am. I'm not going to change that.

7)      There’s nothing wrong with being transparent, just maybe not to everyone.

8)      Following your heart is rewarding, following your gut is necessary.

9)      When you ignore your gut, you’re in for a world of hurt and rude awakening.

10)   Striving to be me is better than striving to be like everyone else.

11)   God is undeniably faithful, something I learn and appreciate every year.

12)   I have an amazing support system even when I doubt it sometimes.

13)   I’m truly not crazy….there’s a term for me….it’s just not known yet.  But crazy isn't it. (Hi Haters)  ;-)

14)   I’m an amazing person and catch, and the right person will come along and benefit from it.  Until then, that will not be rushed.  Everyone you like, isn’t meant to be the one.

15)   As much as they drive me mad, my family is key in my life.  I could never be with someone who lacked that value.  A deadbeat father, uncle, brother is very unattractive. It’s a hard no for me. (A vegan is a hard no too, but that's another post for another time lol)

16)   I can be extremely pushy and needy sometimes. A trait I vow to work on…kind of.   As I work on it, I won’t beat myself up about it however.

17)   My health is of extreme importance.  I will put it first from here on out because I vow, to live my best life always.

a.       That’s my best life, not that YOLO life those reckless people are living hahahaha!

18)   Working out is imperative, I’ve given up the thought that I can be healthy without it. It’s just not possible.

19)   I continued to learn this year, to truly love myself. Long gone are the days of insecurity.

a.       Number 19 is a big thing for me since 10 years ago I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror.  Today I don’t shy away from the mirror and actually enjoy the person looking back.

20)   I will not even entertain anything that goes against #19.

21)   I realize my eyes (now that I have contacts) isn’t my greatest asset, it’s my smile with my eyes coming in second.  This isn’t vain, this is important to note, as I didn’t think I had one asset. As a matter of fact nothing was appealing about me to me. (see 19a)

22)   I’m learning to accept my emotions. They run amuck. It is what it is, to love me is to ride that out….or not but know that they’re here to stay.

23)   This year I lost 15lbs and a pants/dress size. I was quite elated about that, no celebration list will be complete without acknowledging that as I worked and continue to work hard for it! hahahaha!

24)   I’m a very loyal and dedicated friend. Who will ride like shit for my friends.  It’s okay for me to expect the same, and if it isn’t reciprocated, it’s okay for me to let them go. 

25)   I hold on to people and things way longer than I should.  Some things aren’t meant to last forever.  It’s okay to let them go and have no animosity from it.  Life ebbs and flows that way.

26)   Non-supportive friends…that’s that shit I don’t like.

27)   This year, I have stopped putting limitations on myself and stopped letting people put their limitations on me.  I will move, go, and live as I choose.

28)   I’ve learned to stop allowing people to comment and interject their opinion in my life.   Not everyone has your best interest at heart or even knows you well enough to have your best interest at heart.

29)   I used to think I was perhaps to prude; happily this year I realized I wasn't...I was just scared. There’s a difference.

30)   With that said, this year I have discovered and learned more things about my sexuality.  It’s been awesome.

31)   Yes I know 30 was TMI. Whateves LOL

32)   My free spirit can be a bit much…even for me.  Hell I can be a bit much…even for me.

33)   Matters of the heart are the hardest lessons learned, but necessary none the less.   I decided to stop fighting them.

34)   I should leave the conspiracy theories to those that handle them best.  Everyone is not out to harm me, do me harm, or out to get me.

35)   It’s important to check my imagination and not let it run amuck. It’s vivid and can go off the deep end. See number 34…

And there you have it, my list narrowed down! LOL Because I could go on, and on, and on.  I have learned sooo much this year.  So much so that at the time, it seemed very painful.  But the reality is, it truly helped grow me and stretch me.  As you read this, I hope you can relate, but more importantly maybe you’ll write your own list.  It’s really cathartic.  We spend so much time beating ourselves up about what we didn’t accomplish, what we haven’t done, crying about how we’re getting another year older and and are in the same place, or reminiscing on how time flies.  But the reality is, you’re rarely ever in the same place as you started.  It truly is ALL about perspective. And everyone needs their perspective adjusted every now and then. Right?  *hi fives* Hell yayer!

Sooo, here's to: Happy Growing!  Happy Learning!  Happy Living! Happy Birthday to my dear Leos! and most importantly....

….And Happy Birthday to me! ;-)

STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK YOUR BONES AND FEARS WILL SURELY SCARE YOU….

“The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.” Gandhi

Fears are such a debilitating, life draining affliction.  Yes, affliction.  It’s damn near a disease.  How you ask? Because once fears take hold and shape in your life, you won’t be able to do a thing and I mean a dang on thing! Fears will seize you and weigh you down like no other and you will find yourself just fighting to sustain. 

I know this to be true first hand.  I have lived with fears all of my life.  At first they were small ones, ones developed as a child.  I was still able to function with them, as long as I kept them in check.   For example, I always feared of dying a violent death, as a matter of fact I always thought perhaps I would.

*Please don’t judge me as I can kind of feel the side eye looks through the screen now*

Let me explain, my family owned a funeral home.  Death has been coffee table conversation every since I was a kid.  We played hide-go-seek around coffins, ate dinner while wakes were going on, rode shot gun in the hearse with my grandfather like it was a family outing, and the family “limo” was our family car. I mean, death is and was an everyday thing for us.  So it’s no surprise that I thought of death often.  

**I won’t even tell you how my grandmother used to make us practice singing her funeral song when we used to visit her over the summers…it was just…. *cues let there be peace on earth* ….. **

So, back to what I was saying. I always thought I would die a violent death.  I don’t’ know where I got this from honestly, perhaps it was because my mother loved crime shows and that’s all we watched, or that the locks on our windows in our house were broken and I just saw that as a serious reality LOL.  But in my head I created a plan.  You know of a “what would happen or what would I do if someone broke in, accosted me, attacked me, and/or chased me” plan.   It’s a plan that has been my go to plan since I was 5, not because it makes sense or it’s realistic OR it would even work; in fact, probably would not.  But it is a plan nonetheless.

 So the plan is this, if someone broke in, and let’s say I heard them….. I would in fact….. play dead.  Yup, dead.  Oh, yes, you read that correct D.E.A.D like night, night,  like oops, fool someone beat you to it…I AM already dead homie!  Listen, I didn’t say it was a good plan, I said it was a plan!  A plan that I will regurgitate to you today if asked, which is why I need to sleep in rooms with the door closed, I need time to prepare to …play dead.

Now laugh as you may, it is this plan that has allowed me to cope with my fears.  And I have plenty of them.  Fear of flying, fear of living alone, fear of germs, fear of failing, hell…fear of succeeding.  Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear!  And I’m sure if we dig deep, we can say that plan is utilized literally and figuratively i.e. playing dead has various meanings be it literally laying still (because yes, I used to practice lol) or figuratively playing dead by not dealing with my fears and/or issues.  In the end, playing dead has been my go to plan.

But lately, I have realized that as I have gotten older the fears have managed to multiply 10 times over and I found I was not just living with them, but I was spending my time merely trying to maintain them.  They have become so heavy that maintaining is all I can do.  And quite frankly that becomes a heavy cross to carry. 

Ironically enough, I was in church recently and my pastor said that Fear leads to panic and then doubt.  He called it the three headed monster.  How true is this!  The crux of his statement was that we can’t give way to the three headed monster.  I loved the message.  Buuuut as true as this sound, quite honestly it seems trite to say to simply not fear.  Because I don’t think that’s realistic.  Fears are normal and to some degree within reason, necessary.  The goal is not, to NOT fear but it would be how we allow it to take up shop and manifest in our lives. Yes?  Not to give the three headed monster life, or a place to live in your life.  Utilize the fear as a necessary checks and balance, however leave it there.  Nip the fear in the bud at the moment of manifestation. 

So with that said, will I chuck my “full proof, sure fire, play dead like rover” plan? Ehhhh….I could lie and say yes so we have a nice and neat closure to this blog hahahaha! But let’s just say I’ll do my best not to make it plan A,  okay?  Baby steps…I mean we all need a plan B? No?