DEAR SANTA CLAUS...

“I believe... I believe... It's silly, but I believe. “ Miracle on 34^th Street

Dear Santy,

Let me first start by saying, I don’t believe in you.  I haven’t since I was a kid. My sister ruined it for me as most older siblings tend to do.  Every Christmas she would make me plot on how we would catch my grandfather putting out gifts, and although the group plan was fun, it clued me in very early on that the gift giving ghost in fact was not you. 

I believed this up until the other day.  Let me explain, it’s not that I now magically believe, but I have started to question my stanch stance on this topic.  The other day I was on the train and there was a little kid soooo very excited about you.  And although in my heart of hearts I know he was excited about simply the thought of you, I couldn't help but to get lured in.  This kid was just so damn sure, that  not only do you deliver gifts, but that you somehow managed to shimmy your fat ass full figured self down his chimney, that for a second…for an itty bitty witty second, I started to waver on my belief.  Hey, we’re all allowed second chances no?

So, I’m writing you not to prove that I believe, but because if I was a gambling woman ( I am not), I don’t think I would put all my money on one horse.  I believe I should in fact diversify. I mean, hey what if this kid was on to something, yes?  So dear old St. Nick, here’s my list, see I must send it to you because yesterday I advised everyone not to give gifts.  Smart for them, but not so much for me, right??!! And well, San, if I may call you San, I do in fact want a gift or 5. I mean it is the season of receivn’, how would I feel if I didn't like...receive anything?  Santa, please reference the below list, I know it’s a little late for the elves to make these from scratch so you can tell ol’ Alabaster to check google, it’s his friend and it should prove to be veeeeerry helpful.

MY VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS LIST:

Cosby DVD Set: Listen, this is and will be forever on the list until I get it.  COME ON SANTA!!!! I know you have back stock! This wouldn't even weigh your sleigh down.  I've been incredibly sad these few weeks, and if you want me to have a happy Christmas, this will do the trick. Nothing makes me happier than my extended family, The Cosby’s.   

Insurance:  Can this be a gift? Really? Like can you give me medical, dental, and vision?  It’s more like a necessity than a gift, but between you and me San *whispers* for some reason the people down here don’t believe it’s a necessity.  Can you imagine?! And since I know you give the elves insurance, I thought you know maybe you can add one more to the plan? Until Obamacare kicks in? just a thought…think on it.  

Urban dictionary:  I was recently told I needed this.  It’s odd that I would need it because it seems like I would be hustling backwards but you know my people and their dialect.  Wooo chile, it can be a doozy.  I recall a conversation I had with a friend of mine who was coming to visit me in NYC.  He mentioned he usually “rolls heavy” and asked me if that was ok.  My response:  “you should really pack light, you’ll be taking the train if you can’t hail a cab and heavy suitcases would not be ideal.”Siggggh,  let’s put it like this, that was NOT the heavy he was talking about.  Eh? Win some, lose some? Hey, man I’m from Shaker Heights, Ohio, what do you want from me? 

A Car: Now, Now, Now Santa….YOU saaaaid YOU bring gifts…you didn't say what gift.  And I want a brand new car! I don’t care if it won’t fit on the sled, its 2012, have that baby shipped! Thank you in advance!

The Clapper: Yooooooooooo the clapper is making a comeback! And I want in! I want to lie in the bed and shut the whole house down in one clap! Like that’s some lazy mofo isht no?  A gift after my own heart, now if I can find something to bring my wine to me with a clap…..

RBD (Robotic Beer Delivery): Oh snap Santy! Pleeeeeaaaaase???? Pretty pahleeeeaaassse???? Yes, I know it delivers beer not wine.  Sooooooo? Close enough! 

An Engagement Ring...Husband...Boyfriend: Hehehehe…juuuuust kidding…you know me, San, always a jokester! Gotta keep you on your toes! Hehehe….  I mean unless you…. can….deliver….. *looks directly at the computer*

I know, I know Santy, you’re making your list and checking it twice.  So I may as well tell you now, I waaaaas a weee bit naughty,  but  the good kind of naughty if you know what I mean! Hell Yayer! *hi fives*, but in the end San, I’m always nice….ALWAYS! And its the nice that counts right? Riiiiigggggght?

Now let’s cover logistics, I live in Brooklyn (for now), just follow the gunshots, the West Indian Music and the sound of the Panamanian’s playing dominoes on the corner, it will lead you right to me! Oh, and don’t waste your time looking for said chimney, use the fire escape like everyone else! Tah, tah! I’ll be waiting,

Auspiciously yours,

Nika

HOLIDAY SURVIVAL TIPS: STEP TWO-THE ART OF GIVING

“Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store.

Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more!”  -Dr. Seuss, How the Grinch Stole Christmas

Alrighty folks, we’re in the home stretch, Christmas is near and now is the time to start talking gifts. Well, that is of course if you’re that lame person, who bought gifts last month then, never mind, but if you’re a Late Lucy like most, well this is your prime shopping week and you most likely need some help.

Now before I get into this blog, I must urge you all to implement a “No Gift” policy such as I did this Christmas.  It’s not like I won’t give a gift, but people are more likely to appreciate the handmade ornaments when they don’t expect they're getting a gift,  than expecting a big gift and get some handmade isht. Word. Up!

Hey, we can all sit here and act like Christmas is about something bigger than gifts (which it is, but never mind that religious posts aren't my thing, I’ll let y’all judgmental ones duke it out on Facebook Christmas day)  With that said, I have one tip and one tip only:

Don’t be a hero. 

Yup, I’m talking to YOU!

What does that mean?  Listen, you are not the modern day St. Nicholas.  Kids and family members don’t even know what sugar plums look like let alone have visions of them! So, it is not your job to turn their “visions” into fruition.  Not to be the Grinch that stole your Christmas, but let me give you this little nugget, you can drop $1,000 on your kids and family members and a month from now they won’t even remember it.  Trust me! So, tuck your cape away, your gift isn't going to save Christmas, there will be Christmas next year and my dear Captain what will you do then? Mortgage your house? Because that’s the direction you’re headed!

Let me be clear, the goal of gift giving is set up a level of progression.   Oh silly you, you thought it was to give and give freely. Uhhhh No!  When you give gifts, you have to be able to top each gift each year following it.  It’s an unspoken rule that no one tells you about.  And the only way you can survive a life time of giving gifts is if you ration that shit out! That’s the only way you can do this gift giving thing, IF you choose to do it.  Again, I advise you opt out. But if you stay in, you must, must, must, must temper expectations.  Buy your girlfriend some diamonds your first Christmas together or your kid every American Girl product in the store and homie, you have nowhere to go but down.  DOOOOOWWWWWN!

Let me tell you, for years, I was known as the person that blessed people with my presence. LOL Don’t you roll your eyes, my presence is special…a gift if you will,  one day I’ll bless you with it too! LOL  But It was known, no gifts from Nika and in return, you didn't have to give me a gift either.  Well sort of, this applied to everyone except my father.  Don’t get me wrong he didn't get a gift either, but I ALWAYS expect a gift from that dude.  Yes, I said it.  It’s called payback. I spend 365 days a year as his secretary, personal google, living GPS, phone programmer, cable provider, computer tech…that Negro OWES me!

But I digress.  So no one got gifts, it was expected. And then one Christmas, the spirit of giving was in my heart and I showed up with a few items, a couple of George Foreman grills for the family (I worked for Target), a sweater for my brother in law, a purse for my grandmother etc.   Man listen, it was like they saw the resurrection of Christ with their very own eyes, talk about Glory!  I could have come with glittered covered coal and gotten the same reaction! See that…tempered expectations! Trust me, there’s an art to this!

So what I’m trying to tell you is this, we all wish gift giving was easier.  But people expect you to gift them gifts they never even thought for themselves like somehow you secretly always knew what they wanted and decide to be the great Christmas Savior coming to save Christmas like it’s never been saved before.   Ummm…NO. 

And the reality is, give a bad gift on Christmas and see if you don’t hear about it for the next year! Seriously, just ask my father.   One year this man gave me a ream of paper….a REAM OF PAPER…yes I was in grad school and yes, I was writing paper after paper, but I was getting paper free from my sister’s job! Wouldn't say , I don’t know, CASH have been a better gift than paper?  Paper that I’m still using 8 years later by the way?!?!  I can’t even create reasons to use it! And lord I won’t go into the time him and his wife bought me this sweater with the matching gloves…JESUS! Nope…I won’t do that, I’m too good of a person to go there. (Hit me on the side for that story hehehe) So check this out, my father was on to something, nooo, no, no , no not the sweater that almost got him excommunicated but the ream of paper was an act of a pure genius.  After two years of just ridiculously bad gifts, I never really had any gift expectations of him again.  That needs to be you! <<<See there's a lesson buried in here somewhere, trust me!

Anywho, that wasn't really what I was trying to tell you. HAHAHA! What I’m trying to say is give wisely, give deliberately and most importantly give to be able to give tomorrow (that last one makes sense really).  

Good luck and God speed!

Now inbox me for my address so you simps can send me a gift too!

Tis the season y’all…Tis the season….

HOLIDAY SURVIVAL TIPS: STEP ONE

“Christmas isn't just a day; it's a frame of mind.” Kris Kringle Miracle on 34th Street

When most people think of the holidays they think of joyous occasions, family, fun, love, warmth and any other overly sappy adjective, I do not. HAHAHA Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays but my views are different based on my experiences.  I’m from a divorced family where my parents literally despised each other, so yeah you can go ahead and delete “family, warmth, and joyous” and add “complicated, angry, delicate”.  I worked in retail as a manager when I was first out of college so you can delete “joyous and fun” and add “exhausting and superficial”. 

Yeah, so that’s the holidays.  LOL Just kidding…not really…but it wasn’t aaaaall bad there were some fun times, but you had to prep for them!  Like most, I looked forward to the holidays but it was with apprehension as you never knew what you would get so you had to attack each holiday like it was the survival of the fittest and your life depended on surviving. 

So with that said, I’m about to hip y’all to a few of my survival tips.  I’ve made it through 30 some odd holidays unscathed WITH my family so I will deem myself as an expert of sorts.  I’ve been in happy situations and in sad, so I have you covered.  Trust me kid, stick with me and not only will you survive the perils of the holiday, but this Christmas will be THEE best you’ve ever had!  So hold on to your Santa hats and put on your Christmas sweaters, this is our series on Holiday Survival Tips.  First up:  mode of transportation.

For some this is easy breezy, fly to your destination.  Easy, you’re done. So, if that’s you, rock on rock star! However some of us are either procrastinators, scared of flying, have too many kids to fly, or simply broke and therefore are forced to find alternate ways of traveling.  Now when you pick these alternative ways to travel you must…I repeat MUST be realistic about your time, your experience, and your temperament.  The last is very important.  What are the alternatives you ask?

      Drive:  This is a no brainer right?  If you can’t afford to fly, you then just drive.  Well, unless you live in New York and well…knowing people with cars is like an anomaly.  There are things that are extremely rare to New Yorkers 1) a person that has a license 2) a person that has a car 3) a friend that’s married 4) a friend that’s married and met her mate in NYC .  Yes, I know points 3 and 4 have nothing to do with this post, but they’re rare and I feel some kind of way about them so I wanted to add them. My blog, my thoughts…BOOM!

So, driving isn’t always so easy. There are tolls out the wazoo, to rent a car is pricey, and gas (from what I hear) is the price of a small child (oh wait, that’s not the saying huh?) But if you choose to drive, there’s one thing you will definitely need, a properly stocked IPOD playlist.  Yes, I know I know…somewhere  there’s a person like, I have my IPOD stocked with Christmas music, Stevie Wonder,  and The Chi-lites (okay maybe I’m the only one with the Chi-lites on my pod…it’s the Cleveland in me…I’m a victim). But hear me when I say, the Chi-lites ain’t gonna get you through a 12 hour drive.  Stevie is great but when “I Never Dreamed You’d Leave in Summer” comes on, you will want to dive right off the road. Listen, at 3 am, when nothing is left awake but you and Bambi, when the fog starts rolling in, when your eyes are as dry as the Sahara Desert and you’re yawning faster than you can breathe, the ONLY thing you can play is what I call the 1/2 whammy!

What’s the 1/2 whammy?  You have to play a cd that makes you sing at the top of your lungs with no holds barred coupled with a cd that makes you want to dance your socks off- back to back. You save these two albums for this moment, and you don’t play them a second earlier.  It’s like breaking the emergency glass.  My go to 1/2 whammy is Bobby Brown’s “Don’t Be Cruel” followed by Prince’s “Purple Rain”.  You have not seen a concert until you’ve seen me perform these albums! Word. Up.   Play your 1/2 whammy and you’ll extend the lifespan of your trip tremendously.

Car survival tip: Invest in a good play list, do not take this lightly or you’ll be crying in your redbull, all 3 of them.  This is all fact. 

     Train:  This only works if you’re in the Northeast area of this country.  Do not take the train from NYC to Chicago that shit is like 28 hours and soooo not worth it!  And unless you have the stamina for bullshit I wouldn’t suggest doing this past 4 hours.  The further you go, the more the train’s clientele is less Wall Street and more….well…more…street? Seriously, after 5 hours the train becomes the Greyhound.  Trust me on this, this is a proven fact! The price is cheap but don’t let that fool you. 

But if you insist here’s your survival tip on the train:  Ladies, wait until it comes to a full stop to use the bathroom.  There’s no amount of skills that allow you to squat and pee in motion. Sadly, this TOO is a proven fact.

     The bus: Sigggghhhh do you all know my bus woes?  Oh man, I loathe the bus, like hate the bus…sadly, I’m always on the bus! But all buses are not created equal.  Do you hear me? ALL BUSES ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL! Remember that, that could spare you pain and tears, and I mean REAL TEARS!

**Bolt Bus/Mega bus: These buses are lifesavers for those of us that like to shoot down 95 for some escapery (yes, I tooootally made that word up lol).  They like to call these luxury buses; please do not be fooled luxury they are not! But occasionally they come with wifi and outlets (when they work) and cost about a third of what the train costs so eh, it could be worth it.

**Chinatown Express:  Don’t play yourself.  Period. IF you choose to take this method of transpo you’re on your own, it was lovely knowing you.  I’ll write a poem and eulogize your funeral.  It will be something like.

Fool, Fool, Fool

I told him no

Fool Fool Fool

He still chose to go.

The end *curtsy*

**Greyhound:  Listen…there’s so much I can say about the Greyhound. Seriously, save this method for longer than 5 hours IF you must take it.  Here’s the reason why, often times Greyhound runs a special, 5 bucks to Philly or DC.  And here’s what I’ve noticed, (yes I’ve tried it too because well…hey…5 bucks is hard for anyone to turn down) even a homeless person can muster up 5 dollars.  TRUE EFFIN STORY!  I saw a family of four MOVE on the greyhound 5 dollar special. MOVE THEIR STUFF! It was like 30 suitcases. True story, I can’t make this up!

The other thing about the Greyhound is this. Let me be just frank about it, you are not about that life, and if you are taking it you better make damn sure you are! When I was younger me and my sister were pro’s at riding the greyhound. We were often shuttled back and forth from Tennessee to Cleveland and that was ALWAYS our mode of transportation.  We had some serious rules to that joint mainly because this was in the late 80’s/90’s and shit was real on that bus.

1)      No two people could sleep at the same time. One must stay up and watch the surroundings.  We once both went to sleep and some tried to steal our sandwiches my grandmother made us, hence the rule.

2)      Hoodies only and your hair MUST be tucked in it! We were buying tickets at the counter and saw a flea or some flea like substance jump off a person and from that point on we never ever ever ever ever left any skin exposed.  NEVER EVER EVER EVER!

3)      If you are separated because two seats aren’t together. NO ONE SLEEPS and you have to check on each other periodically.  IF you are forced to sit next to someone unfavorable, you will take turns switching seats. I once was next to a man that smelled like open raw onions. It was so tragic that I can remember exactly how it smelled to this very day as if it happened yesterday. This happened well over 25 years ago. 

Bus Survival tip: Be about that life.

Listen, half of the battle of surviving the Holidays is getting to your destination.  You have to be mentally and physically prepared for such an excursion especially since your route can determine how the trip goes.  And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…somebody flying on Airtran will comment like “I fly everywhere I go” *sucks teeth* Airtran and Southwest don’t count. Period. 

For those of us that need to be slightly creative about how to travel, here’s my bottom line tip.   Wait for it….the distance to and from your destination when added together shouldn’t be longer than your actual stay.  Don’t get so creative that you spend all of your time traveling and none of your time visiting! LOL.  I took the train from NYC to Cleveland once, tricked by my father saying it would be fun.  It was a 24 hour ride TO Cleveland, I stayed one day and had to head back, THEE dumbest decision of my life.  It happened, you learn, and you move on.

Hey man, I’m trying to put you up on game (no this doesn’t fit here, but it sounds good.  Yes?) Don’t say you haven’t been warned.  Cheers and happy traveling to you! Next up, gift giving…

*Nik smirk and ice sickle toss*