“Christmas isn't just a day; it's a frame of mind.” Kris Kringle Miracle on 34th Street
When most people think of the holidays they think of joyous occasions, family, fun, love, warmth and any other overly sappy adjective, I do not. HAHAHA Don’t get me wrong, I love the holidays but my views are different based on my experiences. I’m from a divorced family where my parents literally despised each other, so yeah you can go ahead and delete “family, warmth, and joyous” and add “complicated, angry, delicate”. I worked in retail as a manager when I was first out of college so you can delete “joyous and fun” and add “exhausting and superficial”.
Yeah, so that’s the holidays. LOL Just kidding…not really…but it wasn’t aaaaall bad there were some fun times, but you had to prep for them! Like most, I looked forward to the holidays but it was with apprehension as you never knew what you would get so you had to attack each holiday like it was the survival of the fittest and your life depended on surviving.
So with that said, I’m about to hip y’all to a few of my survival tips. I’ve made it through 30 some odd holidays unscathed WITH my family so I will deem myself as an expert of sorts. I’ve been in happy situations and in sad, so I have you covered. Trust me kid, stick with me and not only will you survive the perils of the holiday, but this Christmas will be THEE best you’ve ever had! So hold on to your Santa hats and put on your Christmas sweaters, this is our series on Holiday Survival Tips. First up: mode of transportation.
For some this is easy breezy, fly to your destination. Easy, you’re done. So, if that’s you, rock on rock star! However some of us are either procrastinators, scared of flying, have too many kids to fly, or simply broke and therefore are forced to find alternate ways of traveling. Now when you pick these alternative ways to travel you must…I repeat MUST be realistic about your time, your experience, and your temperament. The last is very important. What are the alternatives you ask?
Drive: This is a no brainer right? If you can’t afford to fly, you then just drive. Well, unless you live in New York and well…knowing people with cars is like an anomaly. There are things that are extremely rare to New Yorkers 1) a person that has a license 2) a person that has a car 3) a friend that’s married 4) a friend that’s married and met her mate in NYC . Yes, I know points 3 and 4 have nothing to do with this post, but they’re rare and I feel some kind of way about them so I wanted to add them. My blog, my thoughts…BOOM!
So, driving isn’t always so easy. There are tolls out the wazoo, to rent a car is pricey, and gas (from what I hear) is the price of a small child (oh wait, that’s not the saying huh?) But if you choose to drive, there’s one thing you will definitely need, a properly stocked IPOD playlist. Yes, I know I know…somewhere there’s a person like, I have my IPOD stocked with Christmas music, Stevie Wonder, and The Chi-lites (okay maybe I’m the only one with the Chi-lites on my pod…it’s the Cleveland in me…I’m a victim). But hear me when I say, the Chi-lites ain’t gonna get you through a 12 hour drive. Stevie is great but when “I Never Dreamed You’d Leave in Summer” comes on, you will want to dive right off the road. Listen, at 3 am, when nothing is left awake but you and Bambi, when the fog starts rolling in, when your eyes are as dry as the Sahara Desert and you’re yawning faster than you can breathe, the ONLY thing you can play is what I call the 1/2 whammy!
What’s the 1/2 whammy? You have to play a cd that makes you sing at the top of your lungs with no holds barred coupled with a cd that makes you want to dance your socks off- back to back. You save these two albums for this moment, and you don’t play them a second earlier. It’s like breaking the emergency glass. My go to 1/2 whammy is Bobby Brown’s “Don’t Be Cruel” followed by Prince’s “Purple Rain”. You have not seen a concert until you’ve seen me perform these albums! Word. Up. Play your 1/2 whammy and you’ll extend the lifespan of your trip tremendously.
Car survival tip: Invest in a good play list, do not take this lightly or you’ll be crying in your redbull, all 3 of them. This is all fact.
Train: This only works if you’re in the Northeast area of this country. Do not take the train from NYC to Chicago that shit is like 28 hours and soooo not worth it! And unless you have the stamina for bullshit I wouldn’t suggest doing this past 4 hours. The further you go, the more the train’s clientele is less Wall Street and more….well…more…street? Seriously, after 5 hours the train becomes the Greyhound. Trust me on this, this is a proven fact! The price is cheap but don’t let that fool you.
But if you insist here’s your survival tip on the train: Ladies, wait until it comes to a full stop to use the bathroom. There’s no amount of skills that allow you to squat and pee in motion. Sadly, this TOO is a proven fact.
The bus: Sigggghhhh do you all know my bus woes? Oh man, I loathe the bus, like hate the bus…sadly, I’m always on the bus! But all buses are not created equal. Do you hear me? ALL BUSES ARE NOT CREATED EQUAL! Remember that, that could spare you pain and tears, and I mean REAL TEARS!
**Bolt Bus/Mega bus: These buses are lifesavers for those of us that like to shoot down 95 for some escapery (yes, I tooootally made that word up lol). They like to call these luxury buses; please do not be fooled luxury they are not! But occasionally they come with wifi and outlets (when they work) and cost about a third of what the train costs so eh, it could be worth it.
**Chinatown Express: Don’t play yourself. Period. IF you choose to take this method of transpo you’re on your own, it was lovely knowing you. I’ll write a poem and eulogize your funeral. It will be something like.
Fool, Fool, Fool
I told him no
Fool Fool Fool
He still chose to go.
The end *curtsy*
**Greyhound: Listen…there’s so much I can say about the Greyhound. Seriously, save this method for longer than 5 hours IF you must take it. Here’s the reason why, often times Greyhound runs a special, 5 bucks to Philly or DC. And here’s what I’ve noticed, (yes I’ve tried it too because well…hey…5 bucks is hard for anyone to turn down) even a homeless person can muster up 5 dollars. TRUE EFFIN STORY! I saw a family of four MOVE on the greyhound 5 dollar special. MOVE THEIR STUFF! It was like 30 suitcases. True story, I can’t make this up!
The other thing about the Greyhound is this. Let me be just frank about it, you are not about that life, and if you are taking it you better make damn sure you are! When I was younger me and my sister were pro’s at riding the greyhound. We were often shuttled back and forth from Tennessee to Cleveland and that was ALWAYS our mode of transportation. We had some serious rules to that joint mainly because this was in the late 80’s/90’s and shit was real on that bus.
1) No two people could sleep at the same time. One must stay up and watch the surroundings. We once both went to sleep and some tried to steal our sandwiches my grandmother made us, hence the rule.
2) Hoodies only and your hair MUST be tucked in it! We were buying tickets at the counter and saw a flea or some flea like substance jump off a person and from that point on we never ever ever ever ever left any skin exposed. NEVER EVER EVER EVER!
3) If you are separated because two seats aren’t together. NO ONE SLEEPS and you have to check on each other periodically. IF you are forced to sit next to someone unfavorable, you will take turns switching seats. I once was next to a man that smelled like open raw onions. It was so tragic that I can remember exactly how it smelled to this very day as if it happened yesterday. This happened well over 25 years ago.
Bus Survival tip: Be about that life.
Listen, half of the battle of surviving the Holidays is getting to your destination. You have to be mentally and physically prepared for such an excursion especially since your route can determine how the trip goes. And yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…somebody flying on Airtran will comment like “I fly everywhere I go” *sucks teeth* Airtran and Southwest don’t count. Period.
For those of us that need to be slightly creative about how to travel, here’s my bottom line tip. Wait for it….the distance to and from your destination when added together shouldn’t be longer than your actual stay. Don’t get so creative that you spend all of your time traveling and none of your time visiting! LOL. I took the train from NYC to Cleveland once, tricked by my father saying it would be fun. It was a 24 hour ride TO Cleveland, I stayed one day and had to head back, THEE dumbest decision of my life. It happened, you learn, and you move on.
Hey man, I’m trying to put you up on game (no this doesn’t fit here, but it sounds good. Yes?) Don’t say you haven’t been warned. Cheers and happy traveling to you! Next up, gift giving…
*Nik smirk and ice sickle toss*
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