“I
believe... I believe... It's silly, but I believe. “ Miracle on 34th
Street
Dear Santy,
Let me first start by saying, I don’t believe in you. I haven’t since I was a kid. My sister ruined
it for me as most older siblings tend to do. Every Christmas she would make me plot on how
we would catch my grandfather putting out gifts, and although the group plan
was fun, it clued me in very early on that the gift giving ghost in fact was
not you.
I believed this up until the other day. Let me explain, it’s not that I now magically
believe, but I have started to question my stanch stance on this topic. The other day I was on the train and there
was a little kid soooo very excited about you.
And although in my heart of hearts I know he was excited about simply the
thought of you, I couldn't help but to get lured in. This kid was just so damn sure, that not only do you deliver gifts, but that you somehow
managed to shimmy your fat ass full figured self down his chimney,
that for a second…for an itty bitty witty second, I started to waver on my belief. Hey, we’re all allowed second chances no?
So, I’m writing you not to prove that I believe, but because if I was a
gambling woman ( I am not), I don’t think I would put all my money on one
horse. I believe I should in fact
diversify. I mean, hey what if this kid was on to something, yes? So dear old St. Nick, here’s my list, see I
must send it to you because yesterday I advised everyone not to give
gifts. Smart for them, but not so much
for me, right??!! And well, San, if I may call you San, I do in fact want a
gift or 5. I mean it is the season of receivn’, how would I feel if I didn't like...receive anything? Santa, please reference
the below list, I know it’s a little late for the elves to make these from
scratch so you can tell ol’ Alabaster to check google, it’s his friend and it
should prove to be veeeeerry helpful.
MY VERY
MERRY CHRISTMAS LIST:
Cosby DVD Set: Listen,
this is and will be forever on the list until I get it. COME ON SANTA!!!! I know you have back stock!
This wouldn't even weigh your sleigh down. I've been incredibly sad these few weeks, and if you want me to have a happy Christmas, this will do the trick. Nothing makes me happier than my
extended family, The Cosby’s.
Insurance: Can this be a gift? Really? Like can you give
me medical, dental, and vision? It’s
more like a necessity than a gift, but between you and me San *whispers* for
some reason the people down here don’t believe it’s a necessity. Can you imagine?! And since I know you give
the elves insurance, I thought you know maybe you can add one more to the plan?
Until Obamacare kicks in? just a thought…think on it.
Urban dictionary: I was recently told I needed this. It’s odd that I would need it because it
seems like I would be hustling backwards but you know my people and their
dialect. Wooo chile, it can be a doozy. I recall a conversation I had with a friend of
mine who was coming to visit me in NYC.
He mentioned he usually “rolls heavy” and asked me if that was ok. My response:
“you should really pack light, you’ll be taking the train if you can’t
hail a cab and heavy suitcases would not be ideal.”Siggggh, let’s put it like this, that was NOT the heavy
he was talking about. Eh? Win some, lose
some? Hey, man I’m from Shaker Heights, Ohio, what do you want from me?
A Car: Now, Now, Now Santa….YOU saaaaid YOU
bring gifts…you didn't say what gift. And I want a brand new car! I don’t care if it
won’t fit on the sled, its 2012, have that baby shipped! Thank you in advance!
The Clapper: Yooooooooooo the clapper is
making a comeback! And I want in! I want to lie in the bed and shut the whole
house down in one clap! Like that’s some lazy mofo isht no? A gift after my own heart, now if I can find
something to bring my wine to me with a clap…..
RBD (Robotic Beer Delivery): Oh snap Santy!
Pleeeeeaaaaase???? Pretty pahleeeeaaassse???? Yes, I know it delivers beer not
wine. Sooooooo? Close enough!
An Engagement Ring...Husband...Boyfriend: Hehehehe…juuuuust kidding…you know me, San, always a jokester!
Gotta keep you on your toes! Hehehe…. I
mean unless you…. can….deliver….. *looks directly at the computer*
I
know, I know Santy, you’re making your list and checking it twice. So I may as well tell you now, I waaaaas a
weee bit naughty, but the good kind of naughty if you know what I mean!
Hell Yayer! *hi fives*, but in the end San, I’m always nice….ALWAYS! And its
the nice that counts right? Riiiiigggggght?
Now
let’s cover logistics, I live in Brooklyn (for now), just follow the gunshots, the West Indian Music and the sound of the Panamanian’s playing dominoes on
the corner, it will lead you right to me! Oh, and don’t waste your time looking
for said chimney, use the fire escape like everyone else! Tah, tah! I’ll be
waiting,
Auspiciously
yours,
Nika
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