THE QUEST FOR HAPPINESS…

"The little blue engine looked up at the hill.
His light was weak, his whistle was shrill.
He was tired and small, and the hill was tall,
And his face blushed red as he softly said,
“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

So he started up with a chug and a strain,
And he puffed and pulled with might and main.
And slowly he climbed, a foot at a time,
And his engine coughed as he whispered soft,
“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

With a squeak and a creak and a toot and a sigh,
With an extra hope and an extra try,
He would not stop — now he neared the top —
And strong and proud he cried out loud,
“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!”

He was almost there, when — CRASH! SMASH! BASH!
He slid down and mashed into engine hash
On the rocks below... which goes to show
If the track is tough and the hill is rough,
THINKING you can just ain’t enough!" Shel Silverstein- The Little Blue Engine

I am happy. I AM happy. I am HAPPY. I AM happy. I am HAPPY.

There are moments in your life; times in your life where no matter how many times you repeat that sentence to yourself it’s still not believable.  There’s a part of you that’s convinced that if you say it, THAT sentence, the simplest of sentences, over and over again in different ways, in different cadences it will begin to sink in.  And at some point you may even turn to yourself and say, “I am happy right?” And hopefully through a bit of brain washing you will say back....riggghhhhhtttttt! But what if you don’t? What if, just in fact, you are not….happy? Is it the worst thing in the world?

It's not that being happy is hard. You've had moments and spurts of happiness. We all know what happy feels like. And when you feel it it’s amazing. So the hard part is NOT being happy, the hard part is reminding yourself during the hard times that happy actually does and can exist.  The odd thing about happiness is that happiness is strangely fleeting...on the surface of things. I believe this is because the pain of unhappy has a sting that etches its foot print in your memory way deeper than that of happiness. For example, you know not to play with fire if you've ever been burned. You know to watch your step if you've ever fallen. You know to avoid bees, if you've ever been stung. Pain can create a long lasting fear. It damn near endures forever. So the hard times are always on the forefront of your memory…

But happiness....why is happiness so hard to remember?

Once when I was in high school, I had this crush of sorts on a basketball player.  He was a senior and I dated him briefly my freshman year, but didn't connect back with him until the summer he was leaving for college.  I remember it like it was yesterday; he getting ready to leave for school and asked me to come over to hang out with him while he packed up.  A long story short, we got into a heavy kissing session.  (Don’t judge, I read kissing is good for your health! I’m healthy today because of my summer make out session! All glory!)  It just so happened this was in August, it was very hot out, and I had spent the entire day in the field practicing during band camp.  So therefore, my allergies were on 10.  Yes, if you’re smart you should know where this story is going.  In the midst of our heavy petting session, my nose started to bleed.  And when I say bleed, I don’t mean just a light summer nose bleed.  I mean, my nose bled like I was going to die- D-I-E! My nose hadn't bled like that since I was like 8 years old, and the only remedy then was to go to the hospital. 

So imagine this, I finally reconnect with the loooooooooove of my 15 year old life.  We’re making out, and it’s like heaven. And within a split second I’m bleeding out like someone should come read me my last rights.  It was so bad that he had to go get his mother.  Yes, yes, yes….his mother.  So here it is: me, his mother, and him all in the bathroom.  She’s holding my nose, I have my head back, he gets me an ice pack and I. am. dying.  And quietly, at this point I secretly was hoping I’d just bleed myself into oblivion. 

Oh but it gets worse.  I wasn't supposed to be there. Yup, you've got it. I was supposed to be at the movies with my sister and cousin (who dropped me off at his house on the way to their boyfriend’s house).  And this was 1991, so there was no cell phone number to call and have my sister come get me.  I stayed at his house for 3 hours in that very position.  Oh yes, my loves, my nose bled for 3 hours.  THREE HOURS! *weeps in my tea* I still feel the pain and agony as I type this-wooosssaaaaah.

But I digress, the point is, despite this being the happiest moment in my 15 year old life, it was overshadowed by also being the most embarrassing moment of my 15 year old life.  And when I reflect on that day, I don’t remember anything BUT that: me, him, and his mother.  Damn, anything that happened prior to that catastrophic, heart wrenching, ego crushing moment. (hmmm I wonder if he reads this blog)

So, where am I going with this, aside from divulging that I’m a chronic nose bleeder, is that happy is fleeting, but pain endureth forever. (Hahahaha) Okaaaaaay, that’s not how the saying goes, and that’s not what I truly mean, fine! What I’m trying to say, my loves is sometimes happiness gets over-shadowed by pain and sadness, and it’s a lot more work than people are willing to admit to make it the dominating force that people claim it to be.

Being happy, yes, is a choice.  But once you make the choice it’s not like magic, and appears suddenly.  It is in fact comprised of many layers. And for me, under each layer of happiness exposes a layer of sadness. The more I peel back, the more I expose. There’s no black and white, finite, space of “happiness”.  I guess this is what I truly mean by a shady haze of grey. Believe you me, I wish my life was as black and white as people make theirs appear.  But it isn't, and I’m not one to pretend that it is.  I spend most of my life in the grey area and in this area, lives turmoil and joy, happiness and sadness, confusion and clarity, conflict and resolution and much, much more.

This my loves is why it’s taking me so long to write the first post of the year.  I wanted to give you all a happy go lucky, happy New Year post. But I couldn't.  I couldn't even find the words to write it or any other post I've conjured up.  I've started and stopped 15 or more posts but yet couldn't find the words to finish them.  I believe it’s because I wasn't being honest and true to my spirit.  The truth is, 2012 was a struggle and 2013 isn't as smooth as I want it to be.  And although I’m blessed to be here, and in good health, there are some moments when I’m hanging on to it all by the hair of my chinny chin chin. 

But I believe that’s what makes this blog work, yes?  Its real life stories, about a very real person, living in a very real city of which I believe you all can relate.  And it doesn't work if I’m not being all the way honest and open.  And honest Nik is trying to tell you that she is somewhere cross-legged in her closet practicing her nam-myoho-renge-kyo’s.   Okay, maybe not that far but you can find me in deep meditation over a glass of Melbec.  No judging! Wine is of the heavens and this is a tried and true fact!

So hopefully as I get over this hump, I can still give you the stories I've been dying to tell you:  like how someone almost shot a snot rocket on me the other day, the death that’s rotting in my apartment building, about when my grandmother tried to choke me out in the grocery store, and how I’m horribly failing at online dating, about my recent heartache, my fears of homeless people, and my quest to lose weight.  I have a lot in store for you all this year! Aren't you just excited? 

And while we’re at it, I mean, we may as well explore this happiness phenomenon, yes?

I mean happy is as happy does right? ;-)

HAPPY, HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!  HERE’S TO 2013!