"Underneath my outside
face,
There’s a face that
none can see.
A little less smiley,
A little less sure,
But a whole lot more
like me” Shel Silverstein
Hi,
My name is Nika, no, that’s not my government name, but it
is a nickname I've gone as my entire life. I’m 5’6 and ½. Yes,
the ½ counts. I have dark curly hair. I’m a dark
skin, African-American girl from the Midwest.
At times, I’m a true Midwest girl, and at times I’m a flat out New
Yorker. The physical traits about me that stand out the most would be my smile
and my laugh. If you've experienced both
you should know why. I looooove to have
fun at all times-ALL TIMES. I love to
read, cook, and hang with friends. I value my friendships and hold them near and
dear to my heart. I think I’m the
coolest person I know and that’s not being arrogant. I also think I’m the most conflicted person I
know and that's not being negative. I live in my head. I over analyze everything. I take a lot of things personal, even when I
know they’re not personal. I contradict
myself from thought to thought, action to action, and day to day. I hate conflicts, they give me heart palpitations. If I had to pick two things about me that I love, it would be my truthfulness and my big
heart. If I had to pick two things about
me that I hate, it would be my truthfulness and my big heart.
I hated make up, then I turned 36 and I liked it a little
more. I used to think I was tough as
nails, I am not. I, also, have a sexy side too or at least that's what I tell myself. I’m a big drinker, not so much a
big party-er, there’s a difference and no it’s not alcoholism. I lay out full
blown stories in my head with conversations; this is how you get most of the
stories on this here blog. I hate being
ignored. I HATE BEING IGNORED. That’s a Leo trait. I’m a Leo through and through and I used to hate
when people classified me as that (in a condescending way), now I know they’re
just jealous. Yes, I meant that. Yes, I
know that’s a Leo trait, too. LOL.
But here’s the biggie big big, I’m a big emotional
baby. My emotions rage with a
personality of their own. They’re unpredictable. They’re uncontrollable. They’re
immense. They’re all encompassing.
To know me is to know my emotions. And in 36 years, I've not been able
to do anything about them but let them be.
There are many pros
to me as a person: I’m a giver. I’m
a sharer. I’m loyal. I’m present as a friend. I’m passionate. I’m optimistic. I’m
a hard-worker. I’m a cheerleader and advocate for my friends and family and more.
There are many cons
to me as a person: I’m indecisive. I share TOO much (the irony of this blog isn’t
missed). I can be pushy. I talk too
much. I vent too much. I cry too much and more.
Now, why do I share this with you? Well, it’s been a while
since we've tango-ed my loves and I want to reacquaint you with me to jump
start our love affair before you abruptly leave me. Naaaaah, just kidding, y’all love me and
you’re not going anywhere! This type of sick love is codependent on each other
like an addiction. And despite what your
therapist says or *whispers* your AA sponsor some addictions are necessary and
welcomed. Yep, I said it and what?!
No seriously, I share this with you because I, Nika, am
struggling. Lately I’m starting to think
just being me isn't good enough. Can I
be all the way transparent and vulnerable?
My “me” just doesn't seem to cut it these days. And I’m starting to think my “me” may need
some self adjustment.
**I try my best not to
use this blog as a journal but more as a storytelling avenue. However today I
will make the exception. **
Today I lost a friend.
A good friend that decided they can no longer be friends with me. I don’t take my friendships lightly so this
hurts a great deal. It has left me
feeling panicked, empty, sad, angry and an whole slew of emotions. But mostly I feel like I failed. I failed as a friend.
Because of this, I needed to really self analyze myself and my
personal qualities in an attempt to try to figure out how did this get so bad. Because
let’s just call it for what it is, there’s nothing more humbling when someone
doesn't want to be around or deal with you anymore because your “you” has become too much for
them.
And what do you do when that happens? I know you’re not supposed to change for
people but you’d have to be a robot if you didn't stop to pause and check your
core. Sure, I think I’m great but what
does that say if others don’t?
No, this wasn't my only friend and no, this won’t be my last
friend. But this friend meant a lot to
me and these decisions don’t come easy. I've
been up all night picking myself apart wondering how could I let this
happen. This is the first friend that
has told me they can’t be friends with me anymore and I don’t know how to
digest that. Now given, there are many
layers to this friendship that I won’t air out in this blog, but today what I realized
is not everyone is going to like you or your “you” and well…that shit just
sucks.
“To lose a friend is
the greatest of all losses” Unknown
