STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK YOUR BONES AND FEARS WILL SURELY SCARE YOU….

“The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.” Gandhi

Fears are such a debilitating, life draining affliction.  Yes, affliction.  It’s damn near a disease.  How you ask? Because once fears take hold and shape in your life, you won’t be able to do a thing and I mean a dang on thing! Fears will seize you and weigh you down like no other and you will find yourself just fighting to sustain. 

I know this to be true first hand.  I have lived with fears all of my life.  At first they were small ones, ones developed as a child.  I was still able to function with them, as long as I kept them in check.   For example, I always feared of dying a violent death, as a matter of fact I always thought perhaps I would.

*Please don’t judge me as I can kind of feel the side eye looks through the screen now*

Let me explain, my family owned a funeral home.  Death has been coffee table conversation every since I was a kid.  We played hide-go-seek around coffins, ate dinner while wakes were going on, rode shot gun in the hearse with my grandfather like it was a family outing, and the family “limo” was our family car. I mean, death is and was an everyday thing for us.  So it’s no surprise that I thought of death often.  

**I won’t even tell you how my grandmother used to make us practice singing her funeral song when we used to visit her over the summers…it was just…. *cues let there be peace on earth* ….. **

So, back to what I was saying. I always thought I would die a violent death.  I don’t’ know where I got this from honestly, perhaps it was because my mother loved crime shows and that’s all we watched, or that the locks on our windows in our house were broken and I just saw that as a serious reality LOL.  But in my head I created a plan.  You know of a “what would happen or what would I do if someone broke in, accosted me, attacked me, and/or chased me” plan.   It’s a plan that has been my go to plan since I was 5, not because it makes sense or it’s realistic OR it would even work; in fact, probably would not.  But it is a plan nonetheless.

 So the plan is this, if someone broke in, and let’s say I heard them….. I would in fact….. play dead.  Yup, dead.  Oh, yes, you read that correct D.E.A.D like night, night,  like oops, fool someone beat you to it…I AM already dead homie!  Listen, I didn’t say it was a good plan, I said it was a plan!  A plan that I will regurgitate to you today if asked, which is why I need to sleep in rooms with the door closed, I need time to prepare to …play dead.

Now laugh as you may, it is this plan that has allowed me to cope with my fears.  And I have plenty of them.  Fear of flying, fear of living alone, fear of germs, fear of failing, hell…fear of succeeding.  Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear!  And I’m sure if we dig deep, we can say that plan is utilized literally and figuratively i.e. playing dead has various meanings be it literally laying still (because yes, I used to practice lol) or figuratively playing dead by not dealing with my fears and/or issues.  In the end, playing dead has been my go to plan.

But lately, I have realized that as I have gotten older the fears have managed to multiply 10 times over and I found I was not just living with them, but I was spending my time merely trying to maintain them.  They have become so heavy that maintaining is all I can do.  And quite frankly that becomes a heavy cross to carry. 

Ironically enough, I was in church recently and my pastor said that Fear leads to panic and then doubt.  He called it the three headed monster.  How true is this!  The crux of his statement was that we can’t give way to the three headed monster.  I loved the message.  Buuuut as true as this sound, quite honestly it seems trite to say to simply not fear.  Because I don’t think that’s realistic.  Fears are normal and to some degree within reason, necessary.  The goal is not, to NOT fear but it would be how we allow it to take up shop and manifest in our lives. Yes?  Not to give the three headed monster life, or a place to live in your life.  Utilize the fear as a necessary checks and balance, however leave it there.  Nip the fear in the bud at the moment of manifestation. 

So with that said, will I chuck my “full proof, sure fire, play dead like rover” plan? Ehhhh….I could lie and say yes so we have a nice and neat closure to this blog hahahaha! But let’s just say I’ll do my best not to make it plan A,  okay?  Baby steps…I mean we all need a plan B? No?