SINGLE OR BUST!

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.~ Dr. Seuss.

Ever notice that we spend all of our time complaining about being single, moaning about being single, looking for someone so we’re not single but never once do we stop to smell the “single roses”?  Hey, I know, I know, I knoooooow I’m at fault too.  I have my “woe is me" single cries like the rest of you too.  I mean there are certainly cons about being single, for example this week two days in a row I came home to lights on in my apartment and I promise you the second time it happened I was seconds away from calling the police,  as I was certain that someone had been in my house. No, I don’t know how they would have gotten in. Yes, I know I don’t live in a house, I live in an apartment….with double door locks. Yeeeees, I know it would take spider man or some super crackhead to get in, BUT when you live by yourself and you’re certain as I was that you DID not leave the lights on,  you either 1) have to admit you’re wrong (hello, have you met me? I am a Leo lol) or 2) assume someone has violated your space.  I chose the latter, don’t even question it, I AM NEVER WRONG that isn’t even an option! lol

Okay, so yeah maybe the invisible man isn’t your issue with being single, maybe it’s that you hate taking out the trash (like me), or cleaning, or your fridge is a holding space for takeout containers and old leftovers because there’s no one there to eat them, oooor perhaps you like to watch comedies with someone so you can discuss the jokes and laugh at them together. I mean there are a plethora of single woes they’re not that hard to come up with,  hell I can roll off dozens without even thinking.  BUT no one ever talks about how dope it is to be single like “I want to be single forever, says no one”.  Hahahaha.  Now don’t get me wrong forever is not my goal, BUT I won’t lie and say I’m not living on easy street in my singledom because I am. Life is in fact pretty cool.  So with that said, I thought I'd do a list, my Top 10 or so perks of being single and fabulous. Yes, I know you’re wondering where fabulous came from but damn it…you know I’m fabulous. Let’s go!

Nik’s Reasons Why Being Single Isn't So Bad:

1)      Your messy mess is your secret.

One of the best things about being single (and no kids) is that your junk is your junk; your mess is your mess.  Right now I may or may not (don’t want to scare any potential suitors lol) be living like I’m squatting in my own apartment eh? But guess what? You’ll never know because you’re never invited unless it’s clean. No one can see you’re living in squalor unless you allow them to see it.  Pow! Single sniiiitchesssssss!

2)       I can eat saltines for dinner and be just fine.

 We’ll leave this at that….but YOU know what I mean!

3)      Flirting with no repercussions.

Listen, some of us are natural flirts.  It’s in our DNA. There’s nothing you can really do about it, but when you’re in a relationship, that’s THEE first thing you need to curb.  Your girl or your dude is hardly interested in your playful banter and eye bats with other folks and that’s putting it lightly.  There’s a little flirting and alotta flirting…and neither are appreciated hahaha!

4)      Coming and going as you please.

I answer to NO ONE! Do you hear me? NO ONE! Okay maybe my father but that’s because he’s a light-weight stalker and forces me to report back. One day I will report him to the authorities and it will truly be no one! *Daddy, you’ve been warned* But seriously, come and go as you please so underrated!  And you can be doing nothing, but it’s my nothing to do and sometimes I chose to do it until 4am. BOOM!  ;-)

5)     You have the bed all to yourself.

You may think this is frivolous, but it’s just…not.  Everyone wants their space, and cuddling is good but not all the time.  It’s not beneath me to ask you to scoot over.  When you’re single it’s nothing but diagonal free for all sleeping all day and night!

6)      You're free to be human in ways women aren’t “supposed” to be.

Why do men think women don’t pass gas or burp?  Why is it funny or natural when they do it, but nasty when we do it?  Do you not think our stomach hurts too? Our gas needs passing too? Do you know how hard it is to hold in your gas, then make it to the bathroom to let it go AND wait so it doesn’t follow you out?  And let’s not talk about BM.  I mean, I sometimes have to take a dump too, I just do and to make me wait until I get home is effin inhumane. There, I said it and I mean it damn it!

7)      Not having to eat a heavy dinner at 10pm because someone thinks you share the same metabolism.

Men, we’re down to ride we really are.  There’s no one better to sit on the passenger side of your car screaming thug life like me! Trust me on this one…I will chug beers, take shots, watch football, throw up the deuces and recite all of your rap lyrics with you. BUT, I am not a man.  I like my dinners at 7pm, I like a steamed veggie with it, my metabolism is not yours…

8)      Speaking of metabolism, you can lose weight with your self-esteem intact.

Men, I can only speak for myself when I say this, but it really is sweet when you all decided to help us lose weight or encourage us to lose weight by joining in on the fight. However, it does not help when you then proceed to lose 40lbs by simply thinking about it and while  we struggle to lose 10 working out daily.  When you are single, there’s no one to constantly remind you they’re skinny and you’re not. It’s just that simple! LOL

9)      Celebrating Holidays vs. Not Celebrating Holidays

My sister got married on New Year’s Eve. When we were young we thought this was a dope idea, now that I’m older I question it.  Just a few years ago I said to her “Sooooo, yeah, like you’ll never spend NYE kicking it with your girls or friends”…that’s kind of….yeah.  LOL.   Not that she regrets it because she doesn’t as she’s married she was going to end up spending every NYE with him anyway. However, in my single head I’m like…sometimes you want to bring in the New Year with your man, and sometimes you want to paint the town red.  When you’re single, you choose.

10)   Being nice when you really want to be mean or cry.

So am I the only one that feels mean some days?  Like kick puppies, mean?  Like a kid looks at you on the subway and you scowl, mean?  When you’re single, you can come home and mope and wallow and cry and throw magazines and flop on the bed without having to tell anyone why, sometimes there’s no reason why. Damn it I’m mad, I’m mean, I’m sad and only I can understand that. When there are witnesses, they just think you’re crazy. When you’re single, no one will be the wiser that you’re at home sticking needles into dolls. Ya dig?

**Bonus: When flying to see family…you only have one ticket to buy, one person to worry about, one bag to pack. Jealous aren’t you?

Yo, we all want a partner in crime, an ace boon, a ride or die/do or die, a Clyde to your Bonnie, a companion, a hoot rider, a co-conspirator, an ace in the hole...you get the point…we want it.  But while we wait for Mr. or Mrs. All of the Above to drop from the divine heavens, we need to appreciate the life we have right here and right now.  And yes, it may not be filled with cuddle-filled nights, whispering dirty sweet nothings in loved ones ears (yes I know my dreams are slightly off, but they’re mine damn it!) BUT we do have our lightly salted dinners, as we cry in our wine while sitting on piles of laundry.  Hey, find your solace where you can….

*cues Cameo’s “Single Life”*