I’m Making A List by Shel Silverstein
I’m making a list of the things I must say for politeness,
And goodness and kindness and gentleness, sweetness and rightness:
Hello
Pardon me
How are you
Excuse me
Bless you
May I?
Thank you
Goodbye
If you know some that I forgot,
Please stick them into your eye!
I loooove lists. If I’m not doing anything and I want to fake like I’m organizing my life, I will structure a list in a heartbeat like a list of things I need to do this weekend, a grocery list, a list of people I need to remember to email, a budget list…it goes on. And I’m clearly not the only one with an affinity for “structure”, as of late, at least on twitter, everyone has been talking about their bucket list. Oh yes, the “inexhaustible” bucket list….
You know we all have one…either on paper, on some sticky notes, or in our minds. We all have a running tally of the things we want to do before we leave this thing called earth. And although the ideal seems semi silly to me, (I say semi because the chances we will plow through this “wish list” is slim to none) I have an informal list as well. I mean, most people like to make lists because it makes them feel good about their faux goals, as opposed to deciding to experience something and just well…..doing it. Novel idea eh? But this isn’t to knock your lists, really it isn’t, I have "travel to Australia and Seychelles" on mine too…you…my …friend…are…not…alone. But unlike some of you, I don’t put that much weight into my bucket list and will probably travel to Seychelles tonight in my dreams. Hey man, whatever works right?
To me bigger than a bucket list, are real live experiences in the current moment. Deciding to do something and just doing it. Now, those who know me know I’m not the biggest “try something new” person. I will do new things, however I’m a creature of habit. I blame my allergies. No really, that’s a valid blame. When you grow up allergic to EVERYTHING (amongst other ailments) you tend to be a “vanilla ice cream” safe player if you know what I mean LOL. Simple is better was my motto as a kid…hell as an adult…we won’t discuss that time I ate a kumquat in college and the allergy breakdown/fallout from that…smh…
But I digress, back to my original focus, not that I really remember…oh yeah, bucket list…well, not really. The point is, Fuuuuuug the bucket list…its waaaack…its sooooo yesterday….like…soooo soooo….done. This list I’m creating now is the “Things I’ve tried, but will never try again" list.
Whaaaaa? You say. Well, current lists are the new black. Trust me on this; however who cares if you tried something and loved it. Rock on rock star! It’s really about what you tried that was just bad news bears. That, my friends, is the story...the real meat of experiences LOLOL. Yeah, I’m totally working with two glasses today…one half empty and the other have full (of Ruuuuuuuuuuum *hi- fives*)
Okay so, The “Things I’ve tried and will NEVER try again” list:
1) Pork Belly Sliders: Yo, I went to this restaurant last weekend, and there on the menu were pork belly sliders. Now, I love pork. I’ve had pork sliders, I’ve had a pork chop, and I’ve even had pig feet and things of that discarded nature. And despite all of that, I will admit the term “belly” threw me for an “eeeeh I’m not so sure” loop <<<I should have embraced that. But instead my craving for a pork chop sandwich drove me down this slider lane. Folks listen, this slider, was all smoke and mirrors…like half pork chop substance, half fat (I’ll assume that was the…belly *gag * part). And the damage it did to The Notorious T.U.M.M.Y. (my nickname for my eff’d up digestive system)….ri-damn-diculous. I will NEVER try one again. A pork chop sandwich it was not. Trust me. *turns my nose up as snooty as a pork chop sandwich eater can* hmmph.
2) Gin: This is obvious and doesn’t need much of explanation, but let’s just say this, my disdain for gin goes deep…like 1995 deep. I didn’t just try it...I tried it, it tried me, it had its way, and I’m done…..FOREVER. End of story.
3) Chinese Food and Hard liquor: Okay let’s agree on one thing. Chinese food, like Americanized Chinese food that is, is made of air and fortune cookie wishes. Yes? No really, why doesn’t it stick? I mean there’s rice (starch) chicken or beef or shrimp (meat) soy sauce (I don’t know what that is aside from sodium but in my heart it binds the two) So why in like an hour or so, you’re hungry as all hells (yes plural, THAT’S how hungry you are) Now with that said, combine that with some serious hard liquor and you have an ugly, ugly, ugly situation on your hand, trust me I know and kind of remember heard .
4) Take the Amtrak train anywhere outside of the Northeast Region: Okay people, I know “Love Jones” made taking the train from Chicago to New York look sexy and appealing but 1) that’s like 27 hours long and 2) more expensive than a plane ticket. I’m just sayin. I’ve done it, not from Chicago to New York but from New York to Cleveland and it’s like riding the Greyhound. NO LIE. As a matter of fact the Greyhound would have been faster (womp womp). I think the big sell is you can walk around, get wine and use the bathroom. Let me tell you however, when that train is moving, what you can’t do...can...not... do….is use THAT bathroom in motion…and I leave it that.
5) (While we’re on mode of transportation) Take the Greyhound to Philly: Why to Philly? Why was this even something I tried? Or wanted to try? LOL it was more of a default experience. I was going to Philly, Greyhound had a special, and I took it. Instant experience (gone wrong) I mean I’ve taken the Greyhound many, many times (Hey I grew up in a cheap divorced family) but this was different, it was beyond awwwwful! The ticket was $5 one way. Deal of a lifetime right? WRONG! Even a homeless person can muscle up 5 bucks. And that my friends sum up my trip. THEE longest 2 hours of my life!
6) A hip hop dance class: I mean listen, what girl or guy that grew up in the 80’s/90’s didn’t want to be a pop-n-locker or think they had a little b-girl/b-boy living inside of them? Of couuuuurse you did. And you totes believed with a little coaching the Turbo in you would come out body rockin’ the night away. Well I’m here to tell you, that-would-be-a-negative. It’s quite amazing how little coordination one has, and nothing…NO THING calls embarrassing attention to this disorder like an organized dance class. I took it; I was ready with my swish-swish pants….and I’m trying to tell you, I don’t think I even got off of 1 in the 1 and 2. Listen…I’m not a dancer…I’m a lover. (don’t question it, it works in my head)
Siggghhh I have more things to list, maybe I’ll add to them later…it can go on for a while. Don’t you side eye me. Yeah sure, I’m certain there’s a fake non-pork eater (because I like to believe that I live in a world where everyone sees pork for the deliciousness that it is) judging me in this post. But the point is, it’s not the pork that I ate, the hangover I had, the homeless people that I shielded from that this post is about…it’s about trying things…eeeeeven if it’s to never try again.
Get on my level.
"Experience is the best teacher, but the tuition is high."
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