Storytelling Friday: A Scattered Smothered Covered Confession

“Ante Up! Yap that fool! Ante Up! Kidnap that fool!

It's the perfect timin’, you see the man shinin’

Get up off them god damn diamonds!”  ** M.O.P “Ante Up”

Can I be honest with y’all? We’re friends right? 

This single life ain’t ‘bout shit. 

Oh y’all weren’t ready for that?  Okay, let me clean it up. LOL. It’s a hard road no?  I mean I’ve been single for all of…..EVER and it’s exhausting.  I feel like my life is starting to mirror some weird reality show and I’m the only contender, like “The last woman standing”…. “Make or break her”….hahaha!

I just don’t have that hustle in me like I used to, that go out daily, nightly, and every day of the weekend…I’m tired.  Maybe I did too much too soon, too early but I just can’t muster the strength to do the prowl. That was soooooooo 2001.  But how else will I date?  Work is a dead end, online is a deader end.  Okay, so some people find themselves lucky online, I, how some ever, find that they link me with the corniest people.  Like I mistakenly put that I was Christian and rated that highly in my book, because in real life, it does mean a lot to me.  Online however, that translated to any Mormon-esque preacher, Holy Roller, 60 year old man looking for a preacher’s wife. And y’all know that ain’t even me…nu uh...no way…nooooooo no nooooo. Did I say no?

So with that said, as I scrolled through my match.com profile the other day. Oh you think I deleted my account because of that. Ha? Negative. Can’t leave any stones unturned. (so I tell myself) Yup, still on it and yeah…still being linked to preachers...maybe one day they’ll link me with a backslider, you never know. Hehehe I kid. I kid. Kind of….

But As I was scrolling through, I started rehashing some of my bad date stories and sadly I have more than just a few. It’s pretty ridiculous (and funny in hindsight). Hey don’t judge me.  Hmmph listen, find a girl who’s gone on a few dates, and you will uncover a pot of dating horror stories.  Yes? HELL YES!

There was a period of my life where every…EVER-Y date ending in a horrible tale to tell.  That was until I stopped dating.  Yes, I took myself out the game for several years.  Why come you ask?  I didn’t trust my judgment anymore.  When I was younger, and I stress younger, I used to have this saying that I wanted a man that was “thug with ambition”.  Now that I’m older, wiser, and a survivor of some harry situations I realize no such man exists.  And in actuality, I could do without that thug shit and skip right to ambition, with some side scoops of kindness, intelligence, and affection. 

But this story is before then….waaaaay before I smartened up.  As a matter of fact I had several dates after this one that progressively got worse. YES WORSE!! Hahaha. I can’t make this stuff up sometimes, albeit I wish I could and did, would spare me some of the close encounter pain.  

But nonetheless, here we go (maybe I’ll do a dating series on this blog…I have a few good stories to tell).  I was living in Atlanta and I had been dating pretty heavy but nothing great.  So I mentioned to a childhood friend of mine and ex-high school boyfriend, that I wanted to go out maybe just to the movies with someone cool, not overzealous, not possessive, and not hood fabulous, just a movie with a cool guy.  So he suggested that I meet his friend, we’ll call him Jake. So I met Jake. Jake WAS cool as a fan. I was like, word. Perfect. We went to a movie…dinner. In fact it was a great date.  We made plans for another date. And before I know it, we were in a dating, pseudo relationship.  Peeeerrrrrfect!

So, this one day Jake’s car was getting fixed, he asked if I could pick him up that night, he’d crash at my place and in the morning drop him off to get his car.  Not a problem.  Now, ironically, at the same time I was leaving my friend called me.  I told him what I was doing and he became instantly concerned.  He didn't think I should let Jake stay over, said his story was inconsistent and I needed to slow down.  Now I was young so I immediately assumed he was throwing shade, I mean we did have a previous relationship and I just thought he was trying to block.  So I dismissed him, and went to pick up Jake.  I really, really should have taken heed at this point but noooooo I can be so hard-headed at times.

Now, stay with the story, this is where it makes a turn for the worse (in clear Nika fashion).  I was starving so we decided to go to the Waffle house and in the midst of buttering my waffle, he decided to share his “story”.  And y'all know my motto, sharing is caring, however in this instance what came next, he could have kept to himself…truly. 

  

Now I’ll be honest; I tend to zone out a lot.  It’s my uncanny (hehe) ability to slip into a day dream at the drop of the dime.  I perfected it as a kid i.e. my safe space (that sounds sadder than it should really hahahaha) Okay, so I had zoned out but when I came back this is what I heard “…..that’s when I used to rob people”.

*cue suspense music*

Ummmm sir?

Come again?

So I sat there for maybe 5 seconds…kind of like a 5 second delay…took a minute to register.  And I was like, should I go there? A part of me was like nah, I don’t even want to know.  Another part of me was like…but really…what DOES he mean?  So inquiring minds wanted to know *insert me* “Sooooooo, when you say rob people…ummmm, what exactly do you mean?”

Boy O’boy…I should have seriously kept my mouth shut.  I didn’t want to know all of what he had to say…I didn’t NEED to know all of what he had to say (hence I won’t go into detail here…you can hit me on the side for that).  All you need to know is this, I was currently working at Target as a manager and this fool had me scared that perhaps he was using me for some inside job.  Yeah…it was THAT bad. 

Now here I was at a crossroads. I, Jake, my waffle, and my scattered smothered covered hash browns were at an impasse.   Do I let on, he’s shared TOO much and I am now scared, and take his butt home? Or do I continue with the plan, even though I’m now scared I’m in the presence of a straight up criminal?  With only a few minutes to contemplate, I continued on with the plan.

Friends, have you ever had random moments of clarity? Like straight up Aha moments?  They can come in the form of a random sign, happenstance, or déjà vu, but you know it when you see it. Right?  Listen, I had my childhood dog with me in Atlanta, this dog I had had since I was in the fourth grade.  He was old, ornery, had cataracts, arthritis, everything under the sun, basically we should have put him down years ago LOL.  Anyway, this dog barely ever barked.  The moment Jake walked into the house, Khari (that was his name...don’t hate! Lol) stood at attention, followed me around the house, and barked anytime this dude was within a hands reach of me. I was like shit; EVEN the dog knew he was a shady character!!!!!! But it was perfect. It gave me my out. Khari landed Jake on the couch until the morning, since he stood watch at the door the entire night! Yeah it was pretty intense.

Anywho, I dropped him off the next day and he was gone from my life.  Now I know what you’re wondering, did I ask my friend why he hooked us up? Absolutely.  And his response?  “You said you wanted to go to the movies.”

Lesson learned:  When looking for someone to vouch for the people you date, check THEIR credentials too. Hahahahaha!

** Blogger note: Has anyone noticed my storytelling days are never the same day?? Lolol I need to work out a schedule seriously….one day…until then…we press on…**