TO CUFF OR NOT TO CUFF? THAT IS THE QUESTION...

“A hibernation is a covert preparation for a more overt action” Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

This morning as I snuggled myself deep inside my comforter trying to squeeze out a measly 10 more minutes of shut eye, I made the grave and pressing realization about my current situation, first and foremost, I really need a warmer comforter (I mean who was I kidding). Secondly, somehow I missed cuffing preseason, AGAIN.  I mean, how can you start a season without the crucial draft?? Siggggh....

Oh good people yes, it is now October and apparently cuffing season is back upon us.  How do I know? Well the weather is brisk, not freezing cold.  It's cold enough for cover but not yet heat.  A fall jacket but not yet a wool coat.  That my dears, is the start of cuffing season.  Now, what does that mean? Well, in a nutshell it means we have less than month to get it together and get us a little cuddle buddy to keep us warm and occupied through the winter months before we have to resort to online shopping for an electric blanket. It's that simple. 

The thirst for cuffing season this year is so intense that I’m starting to panic.  And yeah I called it thirst, perhaps because I already own an electric blanket and feel some kind of way about it ooooor that my spidey-senses detect that it’s going to be a long season of hibernation and this squirrel has yet to gather her nuts. (Pun intended)

Anywho, before we delve into this topic, let’s first define “cuffing” for those who aren't as cool and hip as I am.  Just kidding I’m not so hip, but I damn sure am cool! HAHAHA! 

According to Urban Dictionary (ya, I can’t believe I quoted this as a source either) Cuffing Season is definine as:

During the fall and winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be "Cuffed" or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.

Soooooo….let me get this straight…..you want to only be serious about a relationship when it’s cold out?  But when it’s summer, we’re done?  Ummm okay I guess.  That seems pretty sus to me but I’ll go with it because I’m the first to admit, this morning I would have loooved to have snuggled with more than my fake body pillow.(Fake as in, I line the pillows up next to me like a body, not really a body pillow, but you don’t need to know all that about me)  I mean the colder it gets the more I really just want to play drinking games in the house with my booski.  Ya, let’s keep it real y’all know I’m not the type of girl to play footsies in front of a fire.  I’m more of a “let’s play Uno and take shots type of girl.”  Yo, there’s someone for everyone!.

With that said, let’s talk about what makes a good cuffing partner:

Regular Sex: Listen, you’d think this goes without saying right? But maybe it doesn't. So let me break it down to you.  What’s the point of “cuffing” if you’re not going to get sex regularly?  If that’s the case you may as well be fully single and take the risk of tossing your hat in the ring cowboy/girl style. You’d be better off, truly.  You are not cuffing if you are not getting it regularly and negotiating for it daily, plain and simple.

Fun:  Hey man, you can’t come into my cave if you’re going to be boring.  Nothing’s worse than having a long hibernation session with the person who lulls you to sleep regularly.  The point of cuffing is that I can go inside and 1) not miss the outside and 2) have a good damn time in the house and not be what? LONELY!  If you’re boring me, I’d rather risk hypothermia outside- Eff hibernation.

Commitment Free:  I mean let’s go with the definition.  Let’s be honest, cuffing season is for a finite period.  That’s not to say it can’t spur into a movement, but ladies/fellas let’s not hold our breaths.  The person, who looks to be cuffed in the winter, is looking to be free in the summer.  With that said know what you’re getting into and let it be what it is. Now, this one is tough because we all like to tell ourselves that we can hit and quit it, we’re just friends, we don’t “want” a commitment but very few of us actually mean it.  And very few of us are really in tune with our true wants and needs.  Some can pull it off, but very few can’t.  Don’t deceive yourself here; you’ll only, well, hurt yourself.

Down For Whatever:  This goes hand and hand with fun.  Don’t be a Debbie Downer or a Bob Blowme during cuffing season.  Hear me when I say, nobody, no-body wants that!  If you sign up for cuffing season, you sign up for the whole package.  Tuck your frilly, prude, pink panties in the back of the drawer and pull out the big girl/boy drawls and get down with the cause.  When you lock in you should be down to do a road trip, play Uno, watch football, Twister, cook dinner, whatever! Remember, its hibernation season and anything goes. *

*writers note: anything BUT:  meeting parents, meeting kids, family functions, weddings, funerals, reunions, friend outings. Remember its “cuffing” season, not “Boo” season.  Don’t get it twisted!

Know The Movie “Warriors” Verbatim And Can Rattle Off Episodes Of “The Cosby Show” At The Drop Of The Dime: Okay sorry, this is my personal call out. I mean I told y’all I missed pre-season! My cuff partner might be reading this right now! Call me boo! Lol. 

But really, we really need to be compatible on certain things.  One way to determine if a person will make the “cut” so to speak is to think about spending long times holed up in the house with said person.  Could y’all get through several days without going all “Shining” on each other?

For example, once I was stuck at a Hurricane party (like a real hurricane) for 5 days with 3 other people, one day in we killed our entire liquor stash.  Two days in we played every game in the house.  By the third day, we’d played every game we could make up including pennies in the dark. By the fourth day, it was go on a Walgreens run or experience a real live Hunger Game situation, the Miramar edition.  LOL. The point is, if you like “Gone with the Wind”, and I like “Boomerang”? We’re screwed one day in and I’m not talking the good kind of screw hahahaha!

~ 

All jokes aside, I’m actually on the fence on this cuffing season.  Yes, as I embark on partaking in the age old (is it really?) tradition of finding a cuff partner I have some reservations.  I mean, I am a fan of cuddling and I fully recognize my need and want to hibernate during the colder months but I actually believe that it is and can be fun to be in a full time relationship if you pick the right relationship, novel ideal, huh? Oh naïve me! But seriously listen, if you’re in a relationship and when summer comes you feel the urge to sleep with everything moving then you probably are in the wrong relationship.  Wanting to be with someone shouldn't come in seasons and if it does, you should probably decide to be single and not just the fake single that the cuffing season ideology allows you to be.  It’s what you ultimately want, so grow up and either get in a real relationship or be single and play the field, either way don’t hide under the umbrella of cuffing season.  That part of cuffing season is really, really lame.  

NOW,  if you and she or she and he, mutually agree that you’re just hooking up for “cuffing season” by all means cuff on, BUT people let’s mutually agree to it.  Don’t decide you’re embarking on cuffing season and you cuff a girl who’s in her boo season.  That’s just a recipe for heartache, pain, confusion, and disaster.  K?

And for me, well, I’m the girl that’s in limbo, kind of wedged between her boo season and her cuffing season, typical Nik right? But hey, I’ll take a cuff mate while I’m looking for my boo, please don’t get it twisted!  So if you know someone out there who likes to play drunk man’s Uno (stacking of course), can quote me a scene and a gang from the Warriors, and knows who Mrs. Griswold is?  Send him my way.  He may not be my boo, but he shol’ can be my boo for right now! Okaaaaaaay! *Hi-Five*

Stay warm my friends!