Double Feature Friday: A Healthy Dose of Reality...

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

As a little girl you spend your nights daydreaming about your wedding, especially if you were a child like me, who grew up watching Days of our Lives and Young and the Restless (those shows had a big wedding every season).  You knew exactly what kind of dress you wanted, how many bridesmaids, the song you’ll dance to, and perhaps what you’ll say for your vows.  And it didn’t stop there; you knew how old you’d be when you got married, when you’d have your first child, how many kids you would have and their first AND middle names.

I wanted to have 7 kids in total.  Yes. 7. And they were all fully named.  (You can stop laughing now; yes I do realize it would be virtually impossible for me to have 7 kids at this age: totally pipe dream)  But to make it worse I guarded those names like the KFC secret recipe.  I’ve only shared those names with two people and every time those two have a kid, I never EVER offer up one of my names. And I would be hot to muthaeffin trot if they even attempted to take a name.  YES ALL 14 of them!

Don’t judge me….it is what it is.

So it goes without saying, things, clearly, didn’t end up as I planned ESPECIALLY since I am now 35, ring-less and baby-less.  I mean this baby making machine was supposed to be doing its last hurrah at 35.  Some thing that makes me chuckle, because really, did I think I would be ready for the kit and caboodle before now? 

That. Would. Be. A. Negative.

So it made me think, am I even ready now?

I had a conversation with a friend the other day, and she mentioned, she didn’t think she was ready to be married.  At first, I said “Whaaaaaaa?! No ma’am I totally am!!” (Said that with conviction)  Like sign me up on THAT dotted line.   Recruit me and use me.  I’m yours if you want me.  Just ask me and I’m….what? Ready! 

But then I thought about it.  And thought about it. Slept on it. Annnnnnnnd thought some more.

Am I ready to be……*gulp*...married? Am I ready to put someone else’s needs in front of my own?  Care about their feelings? Wants? Desires? To….day?

*crickets , crickets*

I’d have to answer resounding no.

Whoooooa ….

No? No? ….siggghhhh….NO.

I’m way to selfish right now.  I like my space. I want my space.  Hell, I can’t even sleep in the bed with another person….they sleep…I lay awake.

Btw, married and couple friends, when do you ever adjust to that? Because really???  *side eye*

  

Honestly, the thought of going from single…to married…seems very jarring.  I mean, I’ve been single for like…..EVER hehehe….hard to imagine it otherwise. And the challenge seems daunting, to go from everything being about me, to everything being about us, to (when we have kids) everything being about……them?

I. Can’t. Even. Go. There.

While, I do know I WANT marriage, but wanting and being ready to accept are too different things. Yes?

Okay okay okay, you know maybe my thought process is off…like someone is saying “Chile, crawl before you walk right?” Like a sista doesn’t even have a man and you’re talking about marriage! Hahahahaha!  So perhaps to know if I’m ready, I would need to be dating, have a groom, and be in love…blah blah blah blah…(minor details)

Maybe the question isn’t, am I ready to be married?  The question may be, am I ready to start the process? Actively date?

I mean I’d like to say I’m dating, but I’m not.  Not because I’m not going on dates. (ummm cause I’m noooot?) BUT I don’t even think I’ve even actively tossed my hat in the ring.  I think I’m standing on the outside in the cheering section….Like I’m AT the game, but I’m not IN the game. BIGGGG DIFFERENCE!

I need to get in the game.

Eff that.  I AM getting in the game.

So well, let’s make this official, I,  Nika, hereby proclaim, I am officially entering my name in draft.

I mean, what’s the worst that can happen eh?

*on second thought…don’t answer that*