THROWBACK THURSDAY: FINDING THE VOICE WITHIN...

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.    Robert Frost

**Bloggers note: Throwback Thursday’s always entertain me.  For some reason, nothing’s more amusing than looking back on one’s life or other’s lives especially people you’ve met as an adult or later in life.  So it made me want to do a Throwback Thursday of my own.  No it won’t be of pictures but I will do a throwback post/memory/ or story on Thursdays. (Bear with me as I’m attempting to add structure to this blog O’Mine)**

Some people believe you are born with your specific personality and general character make up, for me this couldn’t be further from the truth.  I believe there were specific moments in my life when I became exactly who I am today.  Now, yes, it’s been massaged, developed, and has grown but there were specific forks in the road that set me off on the path I’m on and the paths I’ve chosen have mapped my personality. 

To understand this theory you have to understand a bit of the person named Nika. I have 3 names, a first name and two middle names (this means something seriously lol). Nika is one of my many nicknames.  I was a kid that had a very vivid imagination.  I’ve alluded before that I was and am an avid and professional daydreamer. I was born and raised in Cleveland, of parents that were pro-black, and  revolutionists in their heart. I have one sister.  As a kid (and quietly as an adult) I was allergic to everything under the sun.  I had many ailments including being a chronic nose bleeder, so my activities were limited.  I was a little active when I could be, but I mostly read.  I was quiet for the most part and stayed in my thoughts.  I never learned to color between the lines (true story even now lol).  I never did my own my hair. I rarely made my own friends.  I hated doing things on my own. I had the knack of creativity but only if I cared because I was also very laid-back. My sister, who at that time was the creative one, determined and planned every game we played. Once for an entire summer, my sister had an imaginary friend.  I tried to fake like I had one too but here’s the thing, my imagination couldn’t drum a person to save my life.  No matter how hard I tried to fake, that imaginary person was just not…well….there. HAHAHA! So I don’t know what that says about me, but that’s the kid I was just very matter of fact. 

But this “matter of factness” wasn’t always great.  It got me into a lot of trouble as a kid.  I was way to blunt, way to quick witted (a quality under appreciated in kids), and I spoke my mind far more than a child was ever allowed.  So more often than not, I stayed getting spankings.  I came from a spare the rod/spoil the child family.  And trust me no rod was left behind, if you get my drift.   Except for this one time, this one time I verbalized my distaste (if you will) and it went unpunished, This, my friends, was an anomaly in my household.  This was my crossroads.  Be it good or bad, this is when I began to unabashedly express myself (with NO filter) Now, this trait is what led me down the road of daily spankings BUT it also gave me my voice.

Let me detail you this life changing day.  Included in my laundry list of things about me, as a kid, I held sleep in the utmost regard in other words I was hella hella cranky if you woke me up.  This is something my immediate family knew and therefore implemented a delicate way to wake me.  However, not everyone respected the rules.  Let me explain, this one day I fell asleep at my aunt’s house and my mom was ready to leave so my aunt decided, against my mom’s warning, to wake me up.  But not just wake me up, but to wake me in a very abrupt and rude way.  I remember it as if it was yesterday.  She kicked the chair, it was one of those wicker chairs from the 80’s lol, and told me to “Wake my fat ass up”. 

** Now mind you if you don’t know anything about me from following this blog, you DO know I’m sensitive. And I was even more so, in the fourth grade.  Yup, I was only 9 at the time. And at that time I was super sensitive about my weight as everyone in my family was super skinny and I still had baby fat, which was a stark contrast to the folks.  But you must also note my family is one where certain words were terms of endearment, so to speak, so bitches etc. weren’t offensive AND everyone in my family cursed like a sailor.  I won’t make excuses for it and say it was right or wrong. It was just…normal. LOL**

Okay back to the story and trust the rest is quick and swift.  I opened my eyes slowly, looked her dead in the eye and I said, to my aunt who happened to have some weight on her as well, “My fat ass? Let’s talk about YOUR fat ass…” And with that my friends, the rest of the story is history.  I proceeded into a 15 minute blackout spewing every profane word in the dictionary.  See I was quiet to some, but really I was taking it all in. And I truly learned from the best.  My curse word combo game rivals the most foul mouth sailor you can ever find from here to Timbuktu.  I gathered my things, I walked to the car, got in the car, and went back to sleep all while cursing to the high heavens.  **Again, I won't say it was right...I won't say it was wrong. It just was. **

Needless to say, there wasn’t one closed mouth in the house.  Everyone was shocked especially my aunt.  Now normally behavior like this would have gotten me a personalize, hand delivered, no holds barred, primera de beating.  However, when my aunt turned to my mother to tell her she thought I was having a breakdown from my parents’ divorce.  To her dismay (and mine), my mom replied “No, I told you not to wake her up.” And got in the car and dove off.

And then a star (or devil) was born……

The End.

“Memory is the diary that we all carry about with us.” Oscar Wilde

WHEN CRAZY COMES UNTUCKED PART II

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" Albert Einstein

Have your emotions ever gotten out of control? Have they run straight amok? Gotten completely out of hand? Taken control of you, instead of you in control of them? Have you ever gone from 0-100 in .5 seconds? If you can’t answer yes to any of these, then this is not the blog post for you.  Please gather your things and come back another day.  BUT, if you so much as paused, my friend…this is YOUR post, hand delivered by moi.  Yes, I had YOU in mind when I wrote this…see how selfless I am? I'll take my gifts in the form of the Cosby Show box set (Yes, I’m still waiting. Yes, I still want it.  No, we won’t address whether I’m loved or not.)

Okay just a little housekeeping, let me be clear, just because you’re emotional does not make you…how can I say this delicately… *ahem* crazy.  I don’t want the title to give the wrong impression.  Yes, I may refer to it as “crazy” but you know I use that word like of a term of endearment almost.  It’s truly an endearing quality. You know a little bit of love…a little bit of crazy? No?  Hahaha.  Yo, emotions crazy does not make.   HOWEVER, what you DO with those emotions, well now THAT my friends can be the makings of some classic crazy situations. 

Listen, I’ve done some serious um…research…yeah, that’s it….RESEARCH on this topic! And as an expert (from research) I know crazy first hand and crazy lives in everything.  Crazy lives at home, at work, in friendships, and in relationships, ESPECIALLY relationships.  And from the perspective of a woman, emotions quite frankly are involved in everything as well.  Those that say they aren't…..LIE. (Yeah I said it, now what are you going to do about it?)

No matter whether it's Platonic or if it's romantic, relationships, emotions and crazy all go hand and hand.  And this isn't just for the ladies, the fellas, yeah they’re just as equally emotional.  Trust me on this, my research shan’t lie.  You know, I KNOW, no one wants to be the crazy one but sometimes you can’t help it. When that crazy comes down on you, it’s like a force uncontrollable with even the strongest power, you can feel it  snowball from the top down until….POW…blackout! (From what I hear lol)

I have seen a grown woman ram a perfectly good car into her man’s car because her emotions got the best of her!  Hell, I’ve seen an equally grown man lay wait in a bush for hours waiting for his suspected cheating girl to come home to “surprise” her because of his emotions.   Relationships are the cesspools for crazy! If you don’t remember anything else, remember that!!!!

Listen, people, if you think you’re not the crazy one in your relationship. YOU. ARE. IN. FACT. THE. CRAZY. ONE! LOL What I’m trying to tell you is we’re all crazy in relationships.  The question is who’s the craziest? And can you live with that crazy?  But trust and believe crazy is there.  Now when you’re in the bed tonight, look at your partner and if he/she's not the crazy one…then homie it’s you. (Thank me later) I mean, it’s not your fault. You’re a victim… LOLOL.

But I digress.  So the point is your emotions can pull something out of you that even YOU won’t recognize when the dust settles.  Recently, I (surprise, surprise) had an emo moment and the next day I looked in the mirror and said “Nika? Is that you?” Luckily, for me, as emotional as I can be I very rarely stay in the moment.  I say what I mean, I mean what I say, and then I may ask if you want to go to brunch the next day (See that rhyme there??? Skills I tell you!)  Yet, unfortunately for me, that tactic makes me look a tad bit ….um…well...crazy.  People don’t know when you’re going to be sensitive or fun, up or down, perky or sad, emotional or joking. It’s a gamble.  And to be quite honest, there’s nothing you can do about it but hope people see the goodness in you, your sincerity, and your genuineness annnnd basically learn how to massage your crazy hahaha!

So, this one particular day my crazy came “untucked”.  Given it was not unprovoked because trust and believe there was a cause and a reason and you know your girl so happily provided the action but nonetheless I needed to proceed to tuck that baby back in.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…”Crazy lies within”.  LOL.  Everyone has a little bit of crazy in them; it’s all about how you handle it.  Crazy MUST BE maintained always.  No excuses.  But every now and then the slip will show, and that’s okay, but you MUST…MUST-MUST-MUST…tuck it back in. Understand? 

Now, there are several methods to the tuck back.  Oh what’s the tuck back? It’s the explanation or the practice of which you pick your face and your emotions off the floor, regain your sanity and composure, and keep it moving. And yes, please believe it’s a skill:

1)      There is the “Dissertation” tuck back.  This is when one will provide a blow by blow exposition, if you will, on why and how crazy unraveled. This method comes with a thesis, methodology, analysis AND a conclusion.  They feel the need to offer an explanation of said breakdown and will be offended if you don’t listen.  Be prepared, they will need something from YOU in order to regain composure, either an apology, some compassion, some love, or some attention. There’s a lot of work for this method on both ends.  It usually ends unfavorably.

2)      You have the “Flat Out Denial” tuck back.  There’s no explanation needed here.  It wasn’t me. I didn’t do it. You are mistaken. Carry on.

3)      The “Transitive” tuck back.  This is explained by the equation. If A=B, B=C, THEN A=C.

In other words, He/She=Emotions, Emotions=Crazy therefore He/She =Crazy<<not you.  Hahaha! Of course your crazy came "untucked". THEY are the crazy ones, not you…you’re just a victim. We are done here.<<Hey man, don't think about this one to hard...it works if you work it ;-)

4)      There’s the “*Poof Abracadabra*” tuck back also affectionately called the “What Happened” tuck back.  This is when crazy goes awry and after the dust is settled, you carry on as if nothing ever happened.  It’s not that you’re denying it; you just don’t want to discuss it.  If executed properly, those involved will wonder if they imagined that it ever happened.  This one takes expert “tuckage” don’t try this if you’re an amateur; you will only succeed in looking crazier. Trust me on this. (proof in research)

5)      Then you have the “Self-Reflection” tuck back.  This is when you step back and have a bit of introspection to figure out what about you triggered your specific reaction and how you can avoided reacting the same way again.  This is the healthiest method and the one I use the most because you can’t change others, because in the end you can only change yourself and how you react to others.   Riiggggght?

      **Ha! Who am I kidding…I’ve been known to poof abracadabra on that ass too! Hahahahaha...***

You know sometimes it’s not what you do; it’s how you do it. Oh that’s not how the saying goes?  Well, my research *wink wink* shows that anything done in flare and style is forgivable within reason.  Now, if you’re keying cars, spray painting hoe on doors (not that I've EVER done such a thing), and throwing bricks in windows, the tuck back goes out the window. ….

Trick, run!!!!!

36 IS THE NEW...36: CELEBRATING ME

“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate” Oprah

I used to take it personal when people would reference my personality as a “typical Leo”.  I think I took it to heart because I knew that they meant it for harm as opposed to the marvelous good that it truly is.  Yes, being a Leo is the most amazing thing in the world! And let me just say now, being jealous about it will get you no where.  We shine the most, we are super outgoing, we will friend the world, and we’re easy going yet have just enough fire in us to make things go our way.  How can you NOT love that!!! (Yes, that was a Leo statement at its finest and I fully approve this message)

So with that said, it’s that time again. Uh huh, my birthday post! As we all know, or are just now learning. I loooooooooooove my birthday.   It is a celebration of life, so how could you not love that! And in all honesty, if I can just be a little...umm...open (as if being closed is an option lol), I think I love to celebrate my birthday even more so because …well, because I can.  HAHAHA

No really, I think I’ve shared that when I was a kid, I spent every birthday down south with my grandmother and although she always had a party for me, it was always with people I didn’t know or old students of hers (she was a 1^st grade teacher).  So spending my birthday at home  or with my own friends wasn’t even considered an option.  So needless to say, now that I can celebrate how I want and where I want, I take full advantage and go all the way in, like dive head first in.

So this year was no different,  my celebration was big, much like my personality (and that's in a good way! Hi Haters! lol)  I had a surprise party, I mean come ooooon, it doesn’t get any bigger than that!!!! So when I was thinking of what kind of post I would write in honor of this "National Holiday de Nika", I thought well of course I should dedicate one to the events of the weekend.  Then I said naaaaaah, what goes on, on during "The Holiday" stays in the Holiday lol. Hahahaha! But seriously, The weekend wasn’t about how many drinks I could have, or how many shots I could take and still come out unscathed<<<Oh yes, because your girl handled the weekend like a BOSS!!!!! Cheeeaa! But really the weekend was about the celebration of this wonderful life I have with the most awesome people in it.  So I decided to do a post ala last year to acknowledge and rejoice life, my growth, and my movement into another great year!  Because to be quite frank, I wasn't guaranteed another and am truly blessed to be another year older!

The 35 gems I learned about me last year that I will carry over to my 36th year (long ass title lol):

1)      I learned that no one can be perfect. I’m not even perfect so to place that expectation on others is a sure fire way to be disappointed.

2)      I need more attention from a loved one than I thought I needed.  Which taught me that I AM actually an affectionate person (who knew).
3)      I actually DO love to cuddle, and want to cuddle ALL of the time. (another point for affection! POW!)

4)      I can be vulnerable and although it hurts, it really is a good thing if I want to grow.

5)      I love deeper than I thought I could, or even imagined I could.

6)      I perhaps share way more than I should, and although I should certainly reel in some of it , sharing is what makes me who I am. I'm not going to change that.

7)      There’s nothing wrong with being transparent, just maybe not to everyone.

8)      Following your heart is rewarding, following your gut is necessary.

9)      When you ignore your gut, you’re in for a world of hurt and rude awakening.

10)   Striving to be me is better than striving to be like everyone else.

11)   God is undeniably faithful, something I learn and appreciate every year.

12)   I have an amazing support system even when I doubt it sometimes.

13)   I’m truly not crazy….there’s a term for me….it’s just not known yet.  But crazy isn't it. (Hi Haters)  ;-)

14)   I’m an amazing person and catch, and the right person will come along and benefit from it.  Until then, that will not be rushed.  Everyone you like, isn’t meant to be the one.

15)   As much as they drive me mad, my family is key in my life.  I could never be with someone who lacked that value.  A deadbeat father, uncle, brother is very unattractive. It’s a hard no for me. (A vegan is a hard no too, but that's another post for another time lol)

16)   I can be extremely pushy and needy sometimes. A trait I vow to work on…kind of.   As I work on it, I won’t beat myself up about it however.

17)   My health is of extreme importance.  I will put it first from here on out because I vow, to live my best life always.

a.       That’s my best life, not that YOLO life those reckless people are living hahahaha!

18)   Working out is imperative, I’ve given up the thought that I can be healthy without it. It’s just not possible.

19)   I continued to learn this year, to truly love myself. Long gone are the days of insecurity.

a.       Number 19 is a big thing for me since 10 years ago I couldn’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror.  Today I don’t shy away from the mirror and actually enjoy the person looking back.

20)   I will not even entertain anything that goes against #19.

21)   I realize my eyes (now that I have contacts) isn’t my greatest asset, it’s my smile with my eyes coming in second.  This isn’t vain, this is important to note, as I didn’t think I had one asset. As a matter of fact nothing was appealing about me to me. (see 19a)

22)   I’m learning to accept my emotions. They run amuck. It is what it is, to love me is to ride that out….or not but know that they’re here to stay.

23)   This year I lost 15lbs and a pants/dress size. I was quite elated about that, no celebration list will be complete without acknowledging that as I worked and continue to work hard for it! hahahaha!

24)   I’m a very loyal and dedicated friend. Who will ride like shit for my friends.  It’s okay for me to expect the same, and if it isn’t reciprocated, it’s okay for me to let them go. 

25)   I hold on to people and things way longer than I should.  Some things aren’t meant to last forever.  It’s okay to let them go and have no animosity from it.  Life ebbs and flows that way.

26)   Non-supportive friends…that’s that shit I don’t like.

27)   This year, I have stopped putting limitations on myself and stopped letting people put their limitations on me.  I will move, go, and live as I choose.

28)   I’ve learned to stop allowing people to comment and interject their opinion in my life.   Not everyone has your best interest at heart or even knows you well enough to have your best interest at heart.

29)   I used to think I was perhaps to prude; happily this year I realized I wasn't...I was just scared. There’s a difference.

30)   With that said, this year I have discovered and learned more things about my sexuality.  It’s been awesome.

31)   Yes I know 30 was TMI. Whateves LOL

32)   My free spirit can be a bit much…even for me.  Hell I can be a bit much…even for me.

33)   Matters of the heart are the hardest lessons learned, but necessary none the less.   I decided to stop fighting them.

34)   I should leave the conspiracy theories to those that handle them best.  Everyone is not out to harm me, do me harm, or out to get me.

35)   It’s important to check my imagination and not let it run amuck. It’s vivid and can go off the deep end. See number 34…

And there you have it, my list narrowed down! LOL Because I could go on, and on, and on.  I have learned sooo much this year.  So much so that at the time, it seemed very painful.  But the reality is, it truly helped grow me and stretch me.  As you read this, I hope you can relate, but more importantly maybe you’ll write your own list.  It’s really cathartic.  We spend so much time beating ourselves up about what we didn’t accomplish, what we haven’t done, crying about how we’re getting another year older and and are in the same place, or reminiscing on how time flies.  But the reality is, you’re rarely ever in the same place as you started.  It truly is ALL about perspective. And everyone needs their perspective adjusted every now and then. Right?  *hi fives* Hell yayer!

Sooo, here's to: Happy Growing!  Happy Learning!  Happy Living! Happy Birthday to my dear Leos! and most importantly....

….And Happy Birthday to me! ;-)

STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK YOUR BONES AND FEARS WILL SURELY SCARE YOU….

“The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.” Gandhi

Fears are such a debilitating, life draining affliction.  Yes, affliction.  It’s damn near a disease.  How you ask? Because once fears take hold and shape in your life, you won’t be able to do a thing and I mean a dang on thing! Fears will seize you and weigh you down like no other and you will find yourself just fighting to sustain. 

I know this to be true first hand.  I have lived with fears all of my life.  At first they were small ones, ones developed as a child.  I was still able to function with them, as long as I kept them in check.   For example, I always feared of dying a violent death, as a matter of fact I always thought perhaps I would.

*Please don’t judge me as I can kind of feel the side eye looks through the screen now*

Let me explain, my family owned a funeral home.  Death has been coffee table conversation every since I was a kid.  We played hide-go-seek around coffins, ate dinner while wakes were going on, rode shot gun in the hearse with my grandfather like it was a family outing, and the family “limo” was our family car. I mean, death is and was an everyday thing for us.  So it’s no surprise that I thought of death often.  

**I won’t even tell you how my grandmother used to make us practice singing her funeral song when we used to visit her over the summers…it was just…. *cues let there be peace on earth* ….. **

So, back to what I was saying. I always thought I would die a violent death.  I don’t’ know where I got this from honestly, perhaps it was because my mother loved crime shows and that’s all we watched, or that the locks on our windows in our house were broken and I just saw that as a serious reality LOL.  But in my head I created a plan.  You know of a “what would happen or what would I do if someone broke in, accosted me, attacked me, and/or chased me” plan.   It’s a plan that has been my go to plan since I was 5, not because it makes sense or it’s realistic OR it would even work; in fact, probably would not.  But it is a plan nonetheless.

 So the plan is this, if someone broke in, and let’s say I heard them….. I would in fact….. play dead.  Yup, dead.  Oh, yes, you read that correct D.E.A.D like night, night,  like oops, fool someone beat you to it…I AM already dead homie!  Listen, I didn’t say it was a good plan, I said it was a plan!  A plan that I will regurgitate to you today if asked, which is why I need to sleep in rooms with the door closed, I need time to prepare to …play dead.

Now laugh as you may, it is this plan that has allowed me to cope with my fears.  And I have plenty of them.  Fear of flying, fear of living alone, fear of germs, fear of failing, hell…fear of succeeding.  Fear, fear, fear, fear, fear!  And I’m sure if we dig deep, we can say that plan is utilized literally and figuratively i.e. playing dead has various meanings be it literally laying still (because yes, I used to practice lol) or figuratively playing dead by not dealing with my fears and/or issues.  In the end, playing dead has been my go to plan.

But lately, I have realized that as I have gotten older the fears have managed to multiply 10 times over and I found I was not just living with them, but I was spending my time merely trying to maintain them.  They have become so heavy that maintaining is all I can do.  And quite frankly that becomes a heavy cross to carry. 

Ironically enough, I was in church recently and my pastor said that Fear leads to panic and then doubt.  He called it the three headed monster.  How true is this!  The crux of his statement was that we can’t give way to the three headed monster.  I loved the message.  Buuuut as true as this sound, quite honestly it seems trite to say to simply not fear.  Because I don’t think that’s realistic.  Fears are normal and to some degree within reason, necessary.  The goal is not, to NOT fear but it would be how we allow it to take up shop and manifest in our lives. Yes?  Not to give the three headed monster life, or a place to live in your life.  Utilize the fear as a necessary checks and balance, however leave it there.  Nip the fear in the bud at the moment of manifestation. 

So with that said, will I chuck my “full proof, sure fire, play dead like rover” plan? Ehhhh….I could lie and say yes so we have a nice and neat closure to this blog hahahaha! But let’s just say I’ll do my best not to make it plan A,  okay?  Baby steps…I mean we all need a plan B? No?

ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY POST: ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF….

“No matter where you go, you are what you are player
And you can try to change but that's just the top layer
Man, you was who you was 'fore you got here
Only God can judge me, so I'm gone
Either love me, or leave me alone”  Jay-Z

When I first started this blog, my goal was to simply have an avenue outside of my job to continue to explore my creativity and build my writing skills sans script writing.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to keep up with it, nor was I sure if I was going to even enjoy it. And quite frankly, I struggled with telling my stories in my voice with my own personal writing style yet not divulging too much of myself to strangers.  But who would I be if I didn’t share….a little too much, certainly not Nika!  I am grateful for the fact that I have an avenue to be me, an unadulterated, raw me and that you all still click and read each time.  So dope! Maybe one day I’ll stop, maybe one day this will turn into a book, maybe one day my readership will grow, maybe one day more people will subscribe, but until then it’s you and I…and our quaint little conversations.  Thanks for encouraging me to continue down this road. 

In the course of writing, I’ve shared many stories, but mostly I’ve been detailing my life through my eyes, as only I can see it.  And in the end, this has become a “single black woman, living in New York City, working as a freelancer, looking for love, finding heartbreak, dodging the crazies, reflecting on life, sorting the bullshit” kind of survival guide.  In a nutshell, it’s been a cluster fuck.  And I love it.

The reason I can’t classify this as a certain type of blog, is because I’m not one certain type of girl, let’s face it, I’m all over the place.  I like to believe it makes me less unstable and more endearing ;-)    Let me explain, I can be a complex being.  But better yet, the best way I can describe me, my thoughts, and my blog is this childhood story:

**Blogger note: This may be the point where you want to ask yourself if you want to go any further, it’s okay...if you don’t….I understand (sort of..Okay who am I kidding the Leo in me says “Trick you betta keep reading!”)**

·         When I was a little girl, I once got a spanking every day for a week for doing the same thing.  Yes.  EVERY DAY.  What was I doing, you ask? I went swimming in my best friend’s pool.  Now this doesn’t seem like a major offense right? But if you have hair as thick as mine, whose mother despised even as so much running a brush through it, and add washing it?! Ha! No offense could have been worse. Trust me!  I may as well have sat on the good couch eating ribs whilst drinking red pop. (Yes, pop and yes, you all know what a major crime that was!)

 So, I was not allowed to swim at my friend’s house because my mother did not want to do my hair.  But, I didn’t care.  Personally, between you and I, I thought my mother was being *whispers* lazy. And I wanted to swim.  I mean, shit can I live??? Yeah, the answer was clearly no.  So this is how that week went and how I got caught: 

Day 1: I swam and came home…wet clothes … wet hair like YOLO! <<spanking.  

Day 2: I swam, I dried the clothes in the drier, but my hair had only dried on the outside<<spanking. 

Day 3: I swam, I dried the hair, dried the clothes, forgot to put on lotion…I’m black and ain’t nothin’ like that pool ash to highlight chocolate skin <<spanking.

Day 4: I swam, I dried the hair, dried the clothes, put on lotion, but did not shower and smelled like chlorine (hey I was like in the 3 grade, those type of faux pas were fine back then) << spanking

Day 5: I swam, I dried the hair, dried the clothes, showered, put on lotion, BUT my friend’s mom called and said I left my swimsuit over there, when I what? WENT SWIMMING! <<spanking.

Sigggh, you get the point….

Now what does this tell you about me? (not everybody answer at once) Mischievous?  Naaaah.   Hardheaded?  Perhaps.  Rebellious? Eh.  Determined and resilient? Fuck yeah!

Now there are several ways to look at this story.  One could look at this and say, doing the same thing over and over again gets you nowhere, learn the first time and move on and avoid the pain. On the flipside, you can look at this and say, although I did the same thing over and over again and the results were painful, I never made the same mistake twice.  Progress!  

I believe in progress you all.  I can’t guarantee I’ll make the right choices.  Hell right now, If I’m honest,  I’m  currently making some pretty bad choices in who I allow into my heart, into my life, and my spirit.  It happens.  I am not perfect.  You are not perfect.  We are not perfect.  But what I do know is, I learn, I progress, and I move forward.  Not every result in life is going to be favorable, but we have to be determined to push forward anyway. Sometimes we repeat our mistakes, sometimes we stop the first time, and sometimes it makes a too sore tush to teach us that hard lesson.  But the point is you do, and do, and do, and do until you get enough, get it right, or simply stop. 

And this blog is exactly that, a running guide of my lessons some that I’ve learned, some that I’m learning, and/or some that I hope to learn.  But one thing for sure is I’m sharing them with you.  And in the process perhaps as I’m discovering my “me”, you can discover your “you”? 

So here we are, 30 posts and one year later, my stories are all true, all life, all revealing, perhaps all contradicting, all funny, all painful, but all me…My life, in a shady haze of grey.  Thanks for reading! I’m looking forward to another year of sharing, laughing, and crying (maybe I’m the only one crying) with you! ;-)

“On the way we shed some tears
Every day we sacrifice
So we can be standing here
Oh what a hell of a life”   Johnny Boy Legend  “Rich Forever”

CONFIDENTIAL CONFESSIONALS…

“An unshared life is not living. He who shares does not lessen, but greatens, his life.” Stephen S. Wise

Have you ever played that game truth?  Okay, I may be making up the name of the game, but you know the one…everyone sits in a circle in the dark, your hands are in the circle where your pinky’s touch another person's pinkies? Someone asks a question and if it’s your truth, then you pull a finger back.  Now, no one will know your truth unless you’re down to your two pinkies in which only the person next to you will know what you “admitted” to doing or your truth.  Mind you there are so many different variations to this game….Truth, Questions, Pennies in the dark…the point is it’s a random confessional.  And the questions range from uber personal “Did you lose your virginity in high school?” to “Do you eat pork?”, questions that  you could ask with the lights on, but somehow feel better about being “honest” in the dark, right?  I absolutely loooved this game.  I’m a sharer…my core itches to share.  And I usually love for you to share with me; Nooooot  like the little old lady on the train who wants to tell you about her psoriasis type of sharing, but true friendship sharing.

But even as I type this, I fully know there’s something uneasy about sharing. To share with others personal stuff about yourself is to make yourself vulnerable.  But the reality is even if it’s just for a moment, in order for you to truly, genuinely develop relationships you’re going to have to let your guard down, and that can be scary.  And the fact remains that you can't really ever get to know anyone unless you share.  There are people that I call my close friends, besties even, that if I think about it there are holes in what I know about them.  Like have you ever been out with a friend and they reveal some isht and you’re like ….word??? Do I even know you? Like dude, who knew you had a fear of midgets wearing yellow? LOL Okay not that extreme, BUT I am often taken aback with how little I know of some people. 

Weird, right?  So how do you get to know people? People are so extra protective of their information…anti-sharers.  And all for various reasons I suppose.  I’m a sharer, so this is hard for me to understand and even explain but if I had to take a stab at it, I would assume folks are scared to be vulnerable.  And no, I don’t mean sharing how your day went….I mean sharing something like “sometimes when I go to sleep I sing lullabies to myself”.  No, that’s not my personal truth.  Seriously! It’s not!  (It’s somebody’s though lol)  But, it’s those types of truths that we’re scared to share.  We’re scared to allow people to seriously know us.  And that’s sad really, for I truly believe that you will never experience the beauty and closeness of true friendship until you open yourself up, and expose your true you.  Because really what’s caring without sharing? Yes?

With that said, I have a new initiative, to allow myself moments of vulnerability in all of my relationships.  To really make an effort to open myself up to the people that matter (because truth be told not everybody deserve such bare bones treatment….let’s be clear) 

With that said, since I consider you all my friends (sort of)  I will attempt to share a bit with you all here…you know to jump start this new project.   Yes? So, we’ll call this Nik’s  25 confessions….Okay 25 is a lot…so we’ll say Nik’s confessions, until she gets tired of confessing….bare with me , it’s late, that’s all I could come up with…

Nik’s Confessions Until She Gets Tired of Confessing

·         I still really struggle with telling time on a non digital watch as well as knowing my right from my left.   Don’t laugh…I don’t know why this is a struggle for me.  I was in honor’s classes my entire life.  I mean I’m no genius, but I’m genuinely smart.  However, if I’m walking down the street and someone yells “Quick run to your left” and my life depends on it??? I’m a dead girl walking. Dead. Girl. Walking.

·         Sometimes (please note that this IS NOT all the time) I look at peoples kids and think (in my head) this child isn’t cute.  I mean, you can’t fake that can you?

·         In a conversation with me sometimes I fake listening.  I’m a day dreamer…it’s a hard job but somebody has to do it! If I say “ummm hmmm” “that’s sooo funny” “I hear you” I. Haven’t. Heard. A. Word. You’ve. Said.  Just hang up and try later and I say that with love. Really.

·         I collect things.  No not pennies….more like…discard-able things.  But kind of not really on purpose…more like just never throw them away. Like ummm my…face wash containers.  I have 3 empty ones…I don’t know if I look at them and say “oh look…I used 3 containers in 3 months” or I’m just lazy.  As a matter of fact, let me just go throw them away now. (I dare you to call me a hoarder. I’m not. I’m a collector. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it)

·         When the time changes, like spring forward or falls back.  I never really change with it.  For the next few months, if I look at the clock and it says 3pm, I will always say in my head “but it’s really 2pm”.  I’m sure that says something about my ability or inability to adjust to change.  Whateves.

·         I only like large bars of soap.  Seems simple right? When the soap gets about 1/4 small, I cannot use it anymore.  But I hate being wasteful.  So I “collect” them…you know…oh never mind *goes to throw the soap away*

·         When I was little I used to daydream about being a singer and in this daydream I had a curl (yup a Jheri special.  Don’t judge me, I really wanted a curl and thought they were sooo fly) and a corduroy skirt/jacket outfit.  To this day I have a slight affinity for corduroy….curls not so much.

·         Sometimes when I confuse my prayers and my grace, and start saying my prayers during grace and my grace during my nightly prayers. And, sadly don’t really catch myself until I’m halfway through…

·         And lastly (yes Nik has had enough) when people write with a marker or pencil on paper, it’s my fingernails on a chalkboard.  In order to make the noise “right” I have to “erase” it with my hand.  <<<Yes that’s confusing and yes you read it right.  One day, if we’re really friends, I’ll show what I mean hahahahaha

Was that enough for you? Feel like you know me? Feel like maybe I shared too much? Didn’t want to know that I wanted a curl, eh?  Questioning your love for me as a friend based on my container gathering?  Or maybe you’re finding comrades of sorts in your inability to tell time? Yes...No? 

Listen, my favorite phrase in the entire world is “sharing is caring”.  Nothing shows you care more than sharing yourself, your world, your thoughts, your life.  If you want to show you care about someone, open yourself up to them.  And on the flip side, the same applies; want to show how much you DON’T care about someone, don’t share…don’t inquire about their lives…don’t open yourself up to them.  It will be picture clear. 

I have always been a sharer; most people can vouch for that.  But it goes deeper than just sharing; it’s the quality of the information I’m sharing with you that matters.  I can “share” surface tidbits with you and call us close, or I can really open up and build solid relationships.  And really what says we’re true friends like knowing I like corduroy suits.

SOME PEOPLE LIKE PINEAPPLE, SOME PEOPLE DON’T…

That Sam-I-am
That Sam-I-am!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am

Do you like
green eggs and ham

I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.
I do not like
green eggs and ham **Dr. Seuss “Green Eggs and Ham”

I was perusing facebook the other day. Yes perusing it. You know how it is.  Just kind of rolling through there to see what everyone was talking about, and I ran across this post from a college friend where he mentioned one of his girlfriends made a comment regarding her approach to men not being interested in her.   And it was a cute little statement about the men being ill decision makers and therefore she wouldn’t be interested in them anyway.  I loved it because sometimes you just have to tell yourself whatever you need to move on right?  And if that’s “it’s not me but aaaaaall them” so be it. You know as long as you stay grounded in reality. LOL.  Don’t judge me, I will totally make you a liar, a con-artist, and a polygamist with 5 kids in varying states in order to get you out of my system annnnd it will all be true…in my head *sips tea* 

Let’s face it; rejection is a bitch, a big fat bitch, with a nasty ass attitude.  Hmmph, there’s no other way to put it.  Shoot, sometimes it’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that someone isn’t interested in you.  It can be hella hurtful if you allow yourself to internalize it.  But the reality is it happens, right?  Not everyone is going to like you or want to be with you and to like someone who doesn’t necessarily like you back in that way can sting…deep.  BUT sometimes it’s just not personal.  You like what you like, and he/she like what they like, it just doesn’t go any deeper than that.  Trust me, I’ve been there. You can be the cutest thing ever…personality for days….there’s no rhyme or reason; It just comes down to preference. 

One time years ago, my friend’s little sister was trying to “hook me” up with her mentor. She thought we would be compatible, so on her sister’s birthday she thought it would be a good time to plan “a blind meet up” of sorts.  I was uber nervous not for the date but to meet this guy.  I have long believed that I’m the type of girl who’s personality is what draws men in and not necessarily my looks.   Not that I’m unattractive (hahahaha) because that sounds so like an “a face for radio” type of statement but I truly believe I’m just not the girl you see in a crowded room and think you haaaave to get with me.  Of course as I type this one of my friends are going to say “that’s not true blah blah blah” LOL. I know my girls well, love them, but it IS true.  When I say this, I don’t say it as a self-depreciating thing, it’s just the hard core facts based on 20 plus years of dating,  meeting folks and experimenting.  Let’s just say I know my optimal environment and I'm honest about it.  So with that said, because I know that my “draw” is a personality thing, I’m not really a fan of blind dates.  I prefer for the person to get to know me first and then meet me. Therefore, you’ll be more appreciative of the complete package (personality and looks).

So obvs, the closer we got to the day I was supposed to meet him, I was feeling very apprehensive and just uneasy about it.  I reached out to a few friends and shared with them why I was nervous because really at the end nobody likes rejection and I was in a space in my life at that time where I just didn’t think I could handle it.  So I emailed two of my friends just for them to talk me off the ledge. 

**Side bar: Listen, I’ve said this before but if I haven’t called you or text you or hell emailed you with a “listen to this…” “Soo…right…I have this situation” <<We. Are. Not. Friends. LOL  If we are friends and you've yet to receive this call, don't you fret, it's coming soon...TRUST**

Now knowing where I was going with my anxiety my friend offered me this advice (I cannot believe I still have this email)

“Some people really like pineapple some don't.  In the end, there's nothing different about the pineapple.  It's just folk’s preferences around it.  Whether a guy is interested in us (or we in him) is all about preferences.  Me personally, I like a chocolate brother with a big build, beautiful smile, pretty teeth // other people may like him thin framed, caramel complexion. . . At the end of the day, there's nothing wrong with either man.  Just my preference.  Remember that…”

Is this not the best statement ever??  Some people like pineapple, some people really don’t.  Just because someone doesn't like it, doesn't make it a less sweet and succulent fruit, it just means this ONE person just doesn’t like it. Somewhere else pineapple is someone’s favorite fruit. 

Now I wish I can tell you I met this guy, he loved me and we lived happily ever after.  Actually, I didn’t...we didn't. We ended up not even meeting.  Hahahaha! How is that for putting your shoes on before your pants!(is that how that saying goes? )  There was something about a car accident, or a  non working car, I don’t really remember LOL what I do remember is I never met him and I'm not with him now and that's all that counts rigggggggggggght? But I digress.  Every so often I may feel like, “why isn’t so and so not into me like I want him to be?” or even when I encounter a rejection situation (because it happens) I always remember this statement.  “Some people like pineapple, some people don’t”.   Yeah it’s not hella deep or philosophical, but it’s simple and true.  And instead of me demonizing him and making him  the scum of the earth in my head (oh yes that IS still the other viable option lol), I can just simply settle with the fact that he’s not into me, and that’s okay he has a right to not be…I mean shit I don’t like beets right?